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Home / Sport / Rugby / Rugby World Cup

Paul Thomas: Tackling the A to Z of rugby for recent converts

By Paul Thomas
NZ Herald·
1 Oct, 2015 08:26 PM4 mins to read

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Quade Cooper: a Tokoroa lad who crossed the Tasman and became a pantomime villain. Photo / Getty
Quade Cooper: a Tokoroa lad who crossed the Tasman and became a pantomime villain. Photo / Getty

Quade Cooper: a Tokoroa lad who crossed the Tasman and became a pantomime villain. Photo / Getty

Opinion by Paul ThomasLearn more

Just as the Olympics cause many people to become ardent if temporary sports fans, so too the Rugby World Cup.

For the benefit of recent converts, herewith a guide to the tournament:

A is for Australia, widely perceived to be the biggest threat to the All Blacks' chances of winning back-to-back World Cups. (See C).

B is for beatable, which the All Blacks are, according to English rugby writers. This is marginally more insightful than saying they're human beings.

C is for Michael Cheika, the Aussie coach credited with restoring his players' self-belief. Perhaps they're simply scared of him. As was said of the late Aussie billionaire Kerry Packer, he looks like the man in the stocking mask. Apparently Cheika has made so much money in business (women's fashion to be precise) that he coaches just for the fun of it.

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D is for decoy runners, an exercise in deception that's often penalised because members of the attacking team are deemed to have prevented defenders from tackling the ball carrier. (See R).

E is for England, the host nation in danger of not progressing beyond pool play. Depending on your point of view, that would be a disaster for the tournament or utterly hilarious. (See S).

F is for France, routinely described as our bogey team even though the All Blacks have beaten them in two finals and a third place play-off game.

G is for Georgia, a commentator's nightmare. (see Z).

H is for host. Wales isn't the host nation so how come they get to play two pool games in Cardiff?

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I is for injuries. There are real injuries that put players out of the tournament and pretend injuries which are used to slow the game down. You'll see plenty of the latter in every All Blacks game.

J is for Eddie Jones, the Japan coach who suffered a minor stroke in 2013. Hopefully he's also coaching just for the fun of it.

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K is for kicking, which the Northern Hemisphere teams are unnervingly good at. Seeing we're so good at all other aspects of the game, why isn't our goal-kicking all that crash hot?

L is for the Laws of Rugby Union, a tome almost as long as War and Peace.

M is for Colin Meads, the legendary All Black sent off for dangerous play in 1967 after aiming a kick at a loose ball that almost collected an opponent. Last weekend England flanker Tom Wood aimed a kick at a loose ball and booted a Welsh player in the head. Apparently that didn't constitute dangerous play.

N is for Namibia. Obviously you didn't see the All Blacks play Namibia or you wouldn't be reading this.

O is for offside play, which inhibits attacking rugby as much as killing the ball at the breakdown but for some reason isn't refereed as rigorously.

P is for penalties, which are administered for illegal play, eg failing to roll away when you're pinned beneath several hundred kilograms.

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Q is for Quade Cooper, a Tokoroa lad who crossed the Tasman and became a pantomime villain.

R is for rolling maul. Rugby's lawmakers perversely decided there should be one phase of the game in which it's okay to flout all rugby's core principles. That phase is the rolling maul.

S is for schadenfreude, a German word meaning delight in another's misfortune. New Zealand's World Cup misadventures have triggered orgies of it. Stand by for a similar mega-gloat if the hosts exit early.

T is for testudo, the tortoise formation used by Roman legions and apparent inspiration for Japan's rolling maul.

U is for Uruguay, who've shown a surprising lack of bite. Perhaps they need a pep talk from carnivorous compatriot footballer Luis Suarez.

V is for Shaun Veldsman, the television match official whose gratuitous interventions in the opening match made him a role model for his colleagues.

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W is for Sonny Bill Williams. How will this series of the one-man soap opera end?

X is for X-factor, a term used to describe a player whose teammates don't know what he's going to do next.

Y is for yellow cards. Given the impact they can have, it's hardly surprising players have started appealing for them. It's awful though.

Z is for Davit Zirakashvili, the Georgian prop. Thank you, sir.

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