THE SUSTAINED MOANING EVENT
Bronze medal: Judith Collins. She moans about everything and just keeps on moaning but lacks a bit of focus on account of the fact that nothing she moans about is terribly worthwhile and indeed the thrust of it appears to be that she doesn't think white people get a fair go. Studies show that white people get a fair go. Perhaps Collins is past her prime as a moaning athlete but one thing's for sure. She has stamina and will moan till she drops.
Silver medal: Prince Harry. Many feel he is yet to reach his peak as a world-class moaner. News that he is working on his memoir has been met with awe: here is an opportunity for the fatuous royal ninny to really let loose, and scale new heights as someone born to wealth and privilege but has dedicated himself to moaning his stupid red head off. One to watch.
Gold medal: Taxpayers Union. The quality of their moaning is not strained; it pours out all over the place, in great big ridiculous quantities, sometimes making a splash, sometimes backfiring terribly, like their misjudged moan this week at film-maker David Farrier. They said his documentary Tickled was a drain on the public purse. He pointed out it had returned a profit to the Government. Alas, the Taxpayers Union! Made to look foolish, petty, and plain wrong, they deserve the gold medal in recognition of the kind of mean little right-wing moaning not seen in New Zealand since the glory days of Whaleoil.
THE SUSTAINED OPTIMISM EVENT
Bronze medal: Judith Collins. Her optimism that she will remain National's leader defies belief, but it's the one time she isn't moaning about something, and as such has a kind of demented good cheer about it. One thing's for sure. She'll maintain her position is safe long after she is inevitably deposed in a bloody coup.
Silver medal: Jacinda Ardern. Nurses rejecting the Government's latest miserly pay rise, and threatening to strike? Not a prob! All good! Farmers who took to the streets to express their rage at Ardern? #Notaprob! #Allgood! Nothing can cloud Ardern's eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Gold medal: The New Zealand public waiting for more Olympic gold. It's gonna happen. You watch.