The division of domestic labour is a common relationship bugbear – but it’s not the only one. Photo / Getty Images
Living under the same roof is bound to spark irritations, but you needn’t get a divorce over dirty dishes. Here’s how to find harmony.
Kerry* and Jack are in their late 40s and work fulltime in financial institutions. On the outside, their marriage seems healthy and happy. However, Kerry often seethes over Jack’s unwillingness to participate in housework – especially when he argues that he does “a lot of unseen jobs”.
“What are these unseen jobs?” she fumes. “I want him to list them. I need to know exactly what they are.” When pressed, he mentions occasional DIY tasks around the house and garden. “I feel disrespected,” Kerry admits. “Jack thinks he can take me for an idiot and wriggle out of the chores. If you love someone, why would you want to see them overworked, frustrated and upset?”
The division of domestic labour is a common relationship bugbear, but it’s not the only one. Whether it’s a partner spending too much time on their phone, or leaving oven trays “to soak” – both cited as common flashpoints in a recent OnePoll survey – such niggles can hint at more deep-rooted issues, according to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur. “Often, these conflicts are due to unmet expectations and a clash of values,” she says. “For instance, one person values tidiness while the other doesn’t.” She says the aggrieved partner “is likely to feel unseen, unappreciated and even unloved, when it’s more likely to signify that they simply don’t hold the same value base”.
Unsurprisingly, frustrations build and the situation can reach boiling point. In the OnePoll study, in which 2000 cohabiting adults were surveyed for Method home cleaning products, 59% admitted minor disputes can lead to the complete breakdown of the relationship.
However, living under the same roof is bound to spark irritations, believes chartered psychologist Dr Mark Rackley. “Your partner is going to do things that irritate you and accepting that is important,” he says, adding that a couple must “have realistic expectations of each other. Just because there is a bugbear, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is in trouble, so don’t catastrophise if your partner is doing something that grates on you”.
So, what’s bugging you – and how do you stop it from becoming a relationship-wrecker?
“He wants a medal for washing up”
“Relationship bugbears like this can mushroom well out of proportion, from little niggles to nuclear explosions,” says psychotherapist Rachel Shattock Dawson. It’s the repetitiveness that does it. In the Method survey, 13% admitted to squabbling about housework on a daily basis. Yet, instead of raising the issue, we often simmer in silence. Perhaps, as Kaur puts it: “You don’t want to seem like a nag. That’s understandable, as no one wants to be that person.” However, leaving an issue to fester isn’t the answer.
“If housework all falls to one person, that’s definitely not fair,” Kaur continues. “Clear communication is a must to avoid a build-up of resentment. I recommend a regular emotional check-in to discuss how things are going for both of you. Talk about organisation, cleanliness, hygiene, tidiness and shared responsibilities. Each partner should understand that, even if something seems tiny, it might carry weight for their partner – so try to respect that.” It’s vital, she adds, “To have a team approach rather than ‘you versus me’.”
“She is always on her phone”
Annoyed that your partner is welded to their device? “When I try to talk to Ellie in the evenings, I’m aware of her eyes constantly flicking towards her phone,” says Martin, a mathematics tutor. “I’ll give up, and then she’s all, ‘What? What? I was listening!’ Then there’s a simmering bad mood that blights the rest of our evening.”
If this is you, it’s worth considering why it irks so much. “In therapy, we use the term ‘emotional displacement’ – where seemingly small niggles stand in for more deeply embedded and emotionally charged issues,” explains Kaur. “Such as, one person wants more attention and finds that their partner is not emotionally available. These are difficult and heavy conversations to have and, as a way of releasing emotional tension, these smaller conflicts are the ones that come to the fore.” After all, it’s easier to squabble about the small stuff, like phone usage, than the deeper issues that are swirling around beneath the surface.
Fed up with sulking and sniping, Martin is test-running a different approach. “I’m aware that I can be on my phone too much too. So I’ve told Ellie that I’m going to start leaving it on charge in the bedroom in the evenings, and would she fancy doing that too, just to give us a break from our devices?” When you’re stuck in the same irritation cycle, it’s always worth trying a fresh tactic.
“She leaves her stuff strewn all over the house”
So, you’re always stumbling over shoes and removing scattered jackets before you can sit down? This “trail of possessions” issue came tops in the conflict triggers, according to a survey for property marketers Good Move. Yet many of us continue to do the picking up – albeit while fuming and muttering about divorce lawyers. “This can be detrimental as it can lead to resentment,” says Rackley. “Once resentment sets in, you can start to feel differently about your partner and no longer see them as an ally. They will morph into a nuisance instead.”
“This can lead to wider resentment as it moves from a specific bugbear to seeing them as someone who works against you, and makes no effort, and constantly irritates you,” he continues. “You’ve gone from seeing what your partner does in one specific area as irritating to seeing them as wholly irritating.”
So, rather than being the picker-upper, do pipe up. “Remember that your partner is on your side and not an enemy, so don’t overthink their reaction,” adds Rackley. “Have a sense of humour and see the funny side of the bugbear. That can help to put it into perspective.” As for raising an issue in a non-combative way, Shattock Dawson recommends the WIBIT approach. For example: “WHEN you leave your dirty socks on the floor, I FEEL disrespected BECAUSE it seems like you expect me to clear up after you. INSTEAD, could you just pop them in the laundry bin as you walk out the door? THANKS for hearing me out.”
“He lets the kids get away with murder”
It’s rare that two adults agree on every aspect of the immensely challenging and complex matter of child-rearing. “While it can be frustrating if the other parent doesn’t follow your rules with the kids, the rule-setter isn’t always right,” points out Shattock Dawson. In fact, she adds, “Having a good cop and bad cop in the household can work well in the long term. Children understand early on that their parents have different personalities and soft spots, and while they will definitely play to them, they will also benefit from the differences.”
She recommends taking time to discuss and agree some important family rules. However, beyond that, “Do allow some freedom in parenting styles.” She also warns against being too controlling about how things are done, when in reality it really doesn’t matter. For instance, I know of one father who routinely gives the kids Coco Pops when their mum is working away from home, despite her not allowing them. “Sometimes these issues can be seen in small acts of rebellion,” Shattock Dawson observes. “If someone always has to do even the smallest things in a certain way every single day, they will eventually rebel.”
“She clears the dishes while I’m still eating”
Irritating, yes – and hardly conducive to a relaxing dining experience. A friend has admitted he has snapped, “Do you really have to do that?” Cue a swift comeback – “I’m only trying to clear up!” – and voila, mealtime ruined. In such situations, try to keep things in proportion, suggests Rackley: “Speaking to your partner is not a declaration of war. It’s a position statement of something that is bothering you, so put it into perspective.”
Plus, where possible, avoid outright criticism or attack, advises Shattock Dawson. “It helps to frame requests to change behaviour positively. For example: “I really enjoy our time sitting down together to eat. So could you wait for me to finish before we clear up, so that dinner isn’t rushed? Thanks.’”
“If he wears that old fleece again, I’m going to scream”
Unless personal hygiene has dipped to unseemly levels, do check in with yourself about why the tatty old fleece bothers you so much. “He loves it, you hate it… who should win?” asks Shattock Dawson. “Him, I’m afraid. It’s fair enough to occasionally comment on a partner’s sartorial choices. However, the idea of one adult telling another what to wear sounds controlling and is to be avoided.”
As with most areas of conflict, it’s worth putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagining how you would feel about being ticked off over matters of personal choice. It’s all too easy, Kaur points out, “to forget that you are peers and partners, and to find yourselves in a parent/child dynamic”. In a cannier approach, Shattock Dawson suggests: “Buy him a nicer new fleece for Christmas and gradually hide the old one at the back of the shelf.”
“Why can’t she put the jars back on the jar shelf in the fridge?”
“Obviously there is a shelf system when I clean the fridge,” explains Gavin, a translator who lives with his wife Gerri and their two teenagers. “Meat and fish go on one shelf, pots on another, and jars have a shelf of their own. But the next day, Gerri will have put everything back in a haphazard manner so we can’t see what we’ve got.”
Irksome, yes, if you’re looking for a gherkin in a hurry. “But are these petty relationship crimes worth making your life miserable?” asks Shattock Dawson. “If, say, dishes must be washed in a particular way and at a particular time, you are imposing your obsessive needs on someone else. Life may seem sweeter when everything is in the right place all the time, when lids are on properly and rooms are perfectly clean and tidy. But when orderliness becomes obsessiveness, it comes at a cost to relationships. Nobody likes being told what to do and exactly how to do it – let alone feel controlled.”
If the issue still rankles, she suggests asking yourself: “‘What’s really at the root of this?’ It could be stress-induced irritability, obsessiveness, or the first signs and symptoms of relationship breakdown. Some couples thrive on banter and squabbles. For others, the constant nagging, quibbling and put-downs become intolerable and gradually erode the love that drew them together.”
The answer, she says, is always better communication: “Take the time to talk, to listen attentively and to try to understand the other’s point of view.” As for the “leaving trays to soak” thing? Don’t get me started.
* Some names have been changed.
The average age of patients in the study was just 38, highlighting risks for younger adults.