Nicola Alpe: Why some relationships are made to end

"Dare I say Victoria Beckham is a better version of herself as a designer than a performer." Photo / Getty Images

OPINION

In my 20s I was given a great piece of life advice. I was told that relationships are there for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I thought it was interesting, but as I've gotten older and have watched or experienced friendships and relationships spectacularly implode, quietly crumble or slip away seamlessly, it's made even more sense.

I was triggered over the weekend - although the very word "trigger" ends up triggering me - seeing a headline implying that by Victoria Beckham signing on as director of the Spice Girls for another year, she may be considering rejoining the group, as they are hotly tipped to be reuniting for the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations. I love VB and like the Spice Girls, but when I read this rumour it made me wonder what it takes for us to move on from a relationship.

It is said in romantic relationships, and Paula Abdul told us, that opposites attract. While being with someone exactly like you can be reminiscent of a Jerry Seinfeld episode, being with someone opposite won't work either. Small differences can enrich the fabric of friendships and relationships by broadening your viewing or culinary repertoire, or cultural knowledge, but big oppositions are insurmountable and there is no shame in that.

I read a piece where an anguished reader asked if she should leave her Donald Trump-supporting, anti-vaxxer husband who holds views contradictory to hers and is questioning the next stage of her life with him in it.

If this person really exists in New Zealand, they are seeking permission to act on what they've already largely decided to do. Ironic given how many people I know in America who are living that situation, in a country where Donald Trump actually holds relevance and influence, and vaccination rates are in their 70s at best. I know what my counsel would be.

We are slaves to a notion of monogamy whereby romantic and friendship fidelity trumps (no pun intended) sharing the same values and growing together. People say being unfaithful is their deal breaker but give less weight to values and opinions.

In friendships, it's ingrained early on to be friends with everyone, to not exclude anyone even if they hold values, interests and thoughts completely different to ours, and how many romantic relationships start out with women in particular, thinking they will be able to change their partner?

Realising when a relationship or friendship has run its course is an important, albeit difficult and painful decision, but these are decisions that people need to learn and are entitled to make. It's important to be clear why you want to end the relationship.

Can it be fixed? Can you overlook the difference? Are you the best version of yourself in that relationship? What kind of hole will that relationship leave when it's over? Dare I say VB is a better version of herself as a designer than a performer.

If the relationship is such that you can easily put distance between yourselves and make yourself less available then do so, taking momentum out of the relationship and allowing both of you to expand alternative social circles.

Avoid the blame game and if you have decided to step away from a relationship, then know that it is in fact you, not them, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Giving yourself permission to move on is important.

In summary I refer to my opening quote. Relationships last for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The key is knowing which.