SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Good evening and welcome back to another riveting recap of what happened on The Bachelorette - which in tonight's case was not much at all, sorry.
If you happened to not be able to watch tonight's episode because you were at the gym or doing laundry or on a date or just living your life - you probably picked the right night to do so as there wasn't much #drama, so let's make this short and sweet for both our sakes.
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 15: Mike calls Lesina out on her BS and it's so hot
• The Bachelorette NZ: The Hot List week four - who we think will win
• The Bachelorette intruders: Five new bachelors jump in the mix
• Steve Braunias: The lord of the bros in the Bachelorette
The episode kicked off with a group bike ride, where the wildest thing to happen was Lesina allowing herself to be filmed on a low angle, selfie cam mounted to her handlebars - which is honestly the definition of brave, there is truly no amount of money you could pay me to be filmed chins-first.
During the bike ride, Lesina had some one-on-one time with Emotionally Unravelling Aaron who insisted on holding hands while cycling. I'm actually less concerned about how dangerous this is, than I am about how yuck this is - but that's none of my business so let's move on.
While simultaneously hand-holding and cycling and unravelling, Aaron admitted his nervy-b has been induced by the arrival of Mike and his very sexy, very tanned skin - and look, fair enough - we've all been in a constant sweaty state since Hot Mike appeared on our screens.
Everyone then spent the rest of the biking group date - and basically the entire episode - debriefing that random fight in the kebab shop which honestly feels like it happened months ago. By this point I personally can't even remember what the fight was about, and I literally wrote about the damn thing.
They rehashed and rehashed and rehashed it ten thousand times for about 45 minutes, right up until they were finally allowed to bike home to be once again locked up in their prison apartment.
On arriving back to jail, Elliot, who was absolutely annihilated for refusing to tell the lads about his first date with Lily then pulled off the best gag of the season thus far.
After apologising profusely to the boys for not filling them in last time, he vowed to spill all the tea about the brief one-on-one time he spent with Lily during today's bike ride.
It's at this point he ripped his pants down and dragged his bare ass across the window, which had NOT TELLING written across it with a sharpie - it was honestly incredible, and he deserved a rose for the prank alone.
Also - the other person who deserved a rose, a pay rise and a stint of free therapy is whichever poor production intern TVNZ hired off Student Job Search to do the ass-sharpie-ing. We are sending you thoughts and prayers.
Later on at the cocktail party, Lily swiped Hot Richie away for some one-on-one time. He opened up to her about how he's previously suffered seizures, and as Lily also has a hearing impairment they had a very sweet bonding moment and a very sweet kiss and I have nothing snarky to say about it because they are just two hot sweet people being hot and sweet together.
The rose ceremony was then cancelled as Tavita revealed that he can't cope with his hernia anymore (fair enough, hon) and decided to leave the competition to go home to support his mum who is dealing with some tough stuff (double fair enough, hon).
The episode then concluded with Jesse crying his eyes out about his mate leaving, which is triply fair enough as by this point I think we've all accepted that this is a show about bromances first and foremost, followed closely by kebabs and then dates with the gals somewhere around seventh place.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again tomorrow night at 7.30pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.