SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Good evening and welcome back to another riveting recap of what happened on The Bachelorette.
As you'll recall the previous episode ended on the herniated cliffhanger - Tavita's supposedly obscene "ultimatum" about whether or not he should go home to NZ or stay on the reality show and risk his guts exploding on national television.
In what was obviously an incredibly anticlimactic outcome – Lesina assured him she did like him after all and that she wanted him to stay on the show but that she does want him to put more effort into snatching her away at cocktail parties.
"I need you to show me how you feel, it means a lot when people put in effort and sometimes I don't get that from you," she said to the man who has already been hospitalised twice all in the name of competing for her affections.
The next day Lily took the unintelligible Mac on a single date where he attempted to convince her he is an exotic, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants, crayzay jetsetter.
"I'm really spontaneous and I love to do things out of the blue. I'm actually thinking of going travelling next year, maybe Australia."
Stunning and brave.
Later that evening at the cocktail party major #drama kicked off when all the boys got into a scrap about that time Elliot wouldn't tell them what happened on his date with Lesina.
Everyone was shouting while simultaneously smashing back kebabs (huge mood), while Liam who has appointed himself HR manager was bizarrely bleating on about the culture of the house being in jeopardy.
Even more amazing though was when HR manager Liam proudly declared that his team has recently done a lot of work on their conflict resolution skills and then a mere 11 seconds later shrieked "IF YOU DON'T WANNA BE HERE JUST F... OFF".
And despite the fact I'd absolutely forgotten humble and vacant kumara farmer Michael Frood was even still on this show, he piped up with an observation that was so accurate I almost fell off my chair.
"The weakest link is going to go home and the weakest link is whoever is losing the plot the most."
Guys, I think we all know that's Aaron. He is completely unravelling, and nothing screams you're having a nerrvy b like the powder blue suit and matching bowler hat he was wearing.
"If Mike thinks he's just going to come in here with his tanned skin and his good jawline, he's got another thing coming" he hissed ominously – while we all waited with baited breath to see if the thing coming is yet another bowler hat.
The kebab scrap concluded when Elliot accidentally ate some avocado which he's allergic to and had to epi-pen outta there, but not before Lily ave him a rose for nearly going into anaphylactic shock all in the name of love.
Later on in the rose ceremony, Lesina picked Tavita, Logan, Black Swan Aaron, Steve and Michael. Lily picked Terrence, Jesse, Quinn, Liam and George and shock of absolute shocks, Mac gets sent home to plan his wild contiki around the Gold Coast.
The next day Lesina took Mike on a single date where the most incredible thing happened – he turned the tables on her and decided it was her turn for a police interrogation.
He utterly grilled her about why she wanted to be the Bachelorette, and about how weird it is that she's single when she's a beautiful and successful doctor – and as we're a month in to the show and the tweens have never dared question Lesina on anything, this relentless grilling is obviously the hottest thing to happen thus far.
"Surely you would meet people In hospital though?"
"Surely people approach you though?
"Maybe you're working too much?"
Lesina then tried to explain that it's because she's been really focussed on "doing her own thing and travelling," at which point Mike absolutely roasted her.
"OH SO WOULD YOU SAY RUTHLESSLY INDEPENDENT?!"
"WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
That's right folks, a proper grown man is challenging her on her BS and it's honestly so hot. I'm so into it, Lesina's so into it and she understandably gave him a rose. I am now putting all my money on Mike to win the whole damn thing.
Meanwhile across town, Lily took Jesse on a single date where she tattooed her name on his wee ankle. She then blindfolded him so he could feel more comfortable being #vulnerable about his emotions, and forced him into telling her all the things he likes about her – which is also my personal favourite thing to do on dates.
They finally pash and Jesse reveals that just like Vivian in Pretty Woman, he thinks kissing is way more intimate than sex.
Later that day he strutted back into the mansion, showed his tattoo off to the boys and apologised for being one of the main instigators of the kebab scrap.
The episode concluded with Terrence declaring Jesse's apology was "as hollow as his skull," which is an incredible insult I will absolutely be adding to my repertoire. Now I'm off to get a kebab, bye - see you again tomorrow.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again tomorrow night at 7.30pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.