Michael and Kara are the first MAFS NZ couple of season four. Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.
OPINION:
Married At First Sight New Zealand returned on Sunday night with one groom announcing life was better when you were “not dumping your ejaculate”, while a bride confessed there was only “one meat stick” she liked - and if you think this means they’ll be coupled up together, think again.
Grab your blue, grab your borrowed and grab your best mate New Zealand, because our very own version of the sensational show has returned to our screens, adding a bit of spice to your Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights.
In a short teaser for the fourth season of the much-loved show, we get a peek at what’s to come over the next two months, and tissues are needed - stat.
MAFS royalty John Atkin announces in a voice-over, “It is the start of an epic journey”, and I can’t slap my hand over my mouth fast enough before an “is it?” slips out.
While we all know the show is a journey, past seasons have shown us it’s more of a “hang on, is my TV wife hooking up with another TV groom?” (cough, season two Monique and Gareth, cough) and less of an “epic” one.
Then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and my glass of Central Otago rose is already poured, so will I watch anyway? You betcha.
Our sneak peek continues and within seconds, one groom declares the experiment is the “toughest thing I’ve ever done”, while a bride has almost flooded the hotel room with her tears.
Ugh MAFS, it’s good to have you back.
But before you can zone out thinking we’ve hit our quota of drama for a Kiwi reality show, Atkin’s stern voice asks, “What the hell’s going on?” And suddenly, we’re more invested than when Pak n Save announces it’s $3-dollar week.
We haven’t wanted to know something this badly since we all had (very wrong) Princess Kate theories.
Will it be a glass-smashing incident? A dinner-table showdown? Or something more vanilla than icecream because this is afterall, a bunch of Kiwis.
Whatever the case, our experts Atkin and local relationship and sex therapist Jo Robertson, are both “really comfortable with hard conversations”, and it looks like they’re going to need it because, at this season’s hens and stags dos, we get to see who we are dealing with.
First stop is the hens do, we meet the 6ft blonde Kara, 33, looking for her giant, and unlucky-in-love Steph, 31, who explains she played musical chairs so much in her 20s that she forgot to sit down on a chair and find a partner.
It’s more predictable than walking into AS Colour and finding a white t-shirt, but just like any good Westfield, Augustine is just a short walk away and it comes in the form of Madeleine, 37.
She bounces in with more energy than a middle-aged man in a pair of Adidas Sambas, enjoys cuddling guinea pigs, cleansing other people’s energy and takes one look at the meat sticks on the table, before telling the girls, “I’m not eating that; there’s only one meat stick I like ladies.”
She is beauty, she is grace, she is making the brides red in the face.
Then it’s time to meet Samantha, our 26-year-old mother of one who turned to social media amid her new-mum loneliness. “It was literally just a way for me to try to connect with other mums and it worked, I made so many online friends that were mums and then it, you know, turned into a job.”
Influencers are so elegant with how they describe their job.
With that, it’s off to the joint stag do. Piripi, 28, is our nervous groom looking to put himself out there. Joined by James, 31, a UK-born primary school teacher who confesses that after a round of counselling, “I’ve found my inner love and I’m ready to find my person to create memories with.”
Green means go - get your wife, you sweet, sweet man.
Nathaniel, 30, pops his head in the door but before he can have his five minutes of fame, the camera pans, the seas part and Michael, yes, that Michael, the former The Apprentice NZ star walks in.
With his straightened beard and a self-declared “commitment-phobe” era, the business owner reveals, “I’m building my own kingdom and I am looking for my queen.”
It’s a narrative that writes itself.
The producers then throw the brides, grooms and us into an awkward round of truth or truth using only sex-related questions and in this case, the solution may be worse than the problem.
“I’ve always wanted to like have sex in his office,” a nervous Sam announces to the brides, prompting Madeleine to reclaim her throne as this season’s sex-positive queen and bypass the family-friendly show time slot.
Painting a picture so graphic it felt like listening to an auto book of Fifty Shades of Grey, the time for hens is over, and the time for stags has begun.
Michael’s stoked at how “open” the group of “four healthy males just talking about topics that might be awkward for some people” and feels so comfortable that he decides it’s time to share his favourite kink.
“Build-ups are amazing,” he says. “Do you know how more invigorated you feel when you’re not dumping your ejaculate over and over again. It’s called chief for a reason and for us men, that’s like our superpower.”
It gives me the same feelings as going jeans shopping at Glassons and realising my size 8 from last week is now a size 12. Hurt, confused and wondering if this is what Atkin was referring to when he asked what the hell was going on.
Then like a gift from the good lord himself, the experts appear to save us all from a nightmare worse than a broken McDonald’s soft serve machine and bring everyone back down to reality - but not before revealing a huge plot twist.
“This year in a world first, we’re taking all of the weddings overseas, elopement-style, to tropical Vanuatu,” receiving an ovation longer than Kevin Costner at Cannes, the grinning expert adds, “We knew you were going to like that.”
Robertson explains the goal of the overseas location is that the couples will be able to “bond faster”, “lean into each other” and “not get distracted”.
In theory, the vision works but clearly they haven’t watched Love Island.
Before we head off to the island, Kara makes a quick stop to see her dad and shares the news any father wants to hear, “I’m going on a reality show to marry a man I’ve never met!”
All is fair in love and war and all is fair when Dad tries to exercise his right to ground you at 33 years old.
Thankfully, she talks him around and Dad gives his blessing, but has it come too soon? While Kara is Pinterest-boarding her dream wedding and making a 20-year plan, Atkin and Robertson are working tirelessly to find her perfect match - at least as perfect as a reality TV love-finding show can get.
They reveal Kara will be paired with Michael.
“Kara is looking for someone strong, to take the lead,” Robertson explains. Clearly she’s missed something very important in our 6ft bride’s wish list though. “Also looking for someone tall, she’s going to get that,” ah, there it is.
As for Michael, “Mike is going to have to learn to hold his maybe big personality back a little bit, the women he’s dated in the past have tended to kind of shrink away a little bit under his commanding presence.”
The experts agree the two are strong enough individuals that they will approach the relationship as equals - absolutely nothing could ruin this match, nothing at all, except maybe lipstick on Kara’s teeth.
Before we make it to the altar, the show cuts off, the cliffhanger dangles and we are left with Kara’s words of wisdom: “If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.”
A note I’ll be sure to write at the top of each recap for the next two months.
Married At First Sight New Zealand premieres on Three and ThreeNow on Sunday, May 26.