The gate-to-gate sprint
There’s the drama of the 100-metre dash. And then there’s the high-stakes, leave-it-all-on-the-floor exertion of that time you had 20 minutes to get off the plane, bolt across a terminal and board your connecting flight before the doors closed.
The parental relay
Teamwork is essential when passing a baton from runner to runner. Passing kids from parent to parent on the trek to your gate is the same general idea. There’s one handoff at TSA, another at the bathrooms, a third while one partner runs to get a snack. Remember not to drop the baton - er, baby.
The overhead luggage lift
In weightlifting, the clean and jerk takes up plenty of space. On the plane, you’re just praying you don’t take your neighbour out with the wheels of your suitcase as you hoist your bag to your chest and then thrust the luggage into the compartment above.
The terminal marathon
Your run from Terminal A to Terminal D - via B, C and accidentally E - might only clock in at 5000 metres, but it will feel like 26.2 miles if you embrace the spirit of Pheidippides and skip the moving walkways, airport trams and electric carts. Don’t forget to hydrate at the water stations: Dunkin’ or the fancy wine bar.
The car-return triathlon
The airport version of the run-bike-swim event involves a different, some might argue more difficult, triad. This endurance event starts when you return the rental car to the airport, continues when you board a shuttle to the airport and concludes when you get off the airport people mover to your terminal. Bonus: no time in the Seine.
Luggage wrestling (23kg class)
You have to fit one more - okay, six more - items in the suitcase before you check it at the ticket counter. Time to get down on the ground, use a few strategic holds and throws, and pin that bag into submission.
The TSA routine
You may feel like you’re suffering from the twisties by the time you’ve removed your shoes and belt, thrown up your hands for a full-body scan and twirled around for the security wand. Remember: big smile when you stick the landing.
The freestyle swim
If you are still in the security checkpoint area when you realise that you left your wallet in a TSA bin, then suit up for the speedy 50-metre swim against the crowd to reach your valuables. However, if you don’t notice the missing item till you are at your gate, then you just signed up for the 400-metre.
Walkway surfing
Not everyone has access to notorious waves in Tahiti. But pretty much anyone can surf a moving walkway at the airport. How gracefully you do it is up to you; make sure to nail the dismount.
Fencing with chargers
Like Olympic fencing, you don’t want anyone to get hurt as you lunge for the sole working outlet with your phone charger. But don’t be surprised to encounter a parry from a fellow traveller whose battery is dwindling. Defensive gear is optional.
The bathroom breakdance
Breaking may be new to the Olympics. But pretzeling yourself into the plane lavatory - with all the fancy footwork and athletic contortions required - is well known to travellers. In this case, it’s a dance best performed without an audience.
The long jump
If a sleeping aisle passenger is blocking your route to the lavatory, you can try bouldering. However, if the giant rock wakes up mid-climb - awkward. A surer feat is the long jump. Be mindful that if the middle seat is occupied, you will have to go straight into the takeoff. Check the aisle for a clear landing. You don’t want to nail it on the beverage cart.
