Dealing with a breakup while abroad can be especially tough with your regular support system far away. Photo / 123rf
Corey was one week away from getting married. Everything was planned: the wedding, the honeymoon in Asia, the “doing life” together. Then his fiancee said the words he’ll never forget. “She didn’t love me any more and didn’t want to be with me.” He went to Asia without her.
When Cheree found out her boyfriend had cheated, her flights to Europe for a work assignment were already booked. She said the two days leading up to it were among the hardest days of her life.
Heartbreak is a buried fault line of the human experience. And as in Corey’s and Cheree’s cases, it often bursts at inopportune moments. What happens when you’re forced to cope with a breakup while abroad and away from your usual emotional support? You’re supposed to have a carefree, romantic or professional adventure, but all you want to do is crawl into a hole. How do you deal with it?
“I remember waking up the morning of my flight thinking, ‘How can I get out of this?’ My mum met me at the airport, and after a lot of tears at the departure terminal, I walked off not knowing what to expect or even where things stood with my ex,” Cheree tells the Herald.
Heartbreak doesn’t just feel bad. It can feel like pain. On a Reddit thread asking what heartbreak is like, one commenter wrote, ”It’s the worst pain in the world. You get anxiety so bad that you have no appetite ... Your heart literally hurts.“
According to psychologists, a breakup is one of the biggest stressors a person can experience in their life. Divorce or separation is measured as the second-biggest life stressor following the death of a loved one in major studies on the topic.
Attempts have been made to portray these deep and private emotions on screen. In the 2004 film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a heartbroken Joel (Jim Carrey) sets out to do what many of us do subconsciously – delete memories of his ex, Clementine (Kate Winslet), literally through a medical procedure, which the doctor admits is “technically ... brain damage”. While the film is science fiction, feeling empty and sad indeed affects us not only psychologically but physiologically too.
University of Otago associate professor Aniruddha Chatterjee, who specialises in epigenetics (the study of how things like lifestyle and environment can affect your genes), tells the Herald that “several studies show that psychological trauma – which heartbreak can reasonably be considered a form of – can induce significant epigenetic changes with potential implications for mental health.
“For example, emotional distress can alter DNA methylation patterns, a major epigenetic mechanism, leading to changes in the expression of genes involved in stress regulation and mood.” This means the way someone manages symptoms of stress and low mood is affected.
Chatterjee adds more research is needed to understand it and its impact on mental health. “While these findings highlight a link between psychological stress and epigenetic modifications, the precise mechanisms and long-term impacts of stress-induced epigenetic changes in humans remain poorly understood,” he says.
Being in unfamiliar surroundings, like being overseas, can make a person feel even more vulnerable. According to Auckland psychotherapist Zoe Triggs, it’s easy to lose perspective and become caught in endless anxious rumination when we are isolated.
“When our normal routine of life activities is suddenly gone, we can feel particularly lost and unstable. People may lose their sense of who they are, their sense of worth, and forget that they are valued by others,” explains Triggs.
“I was completely alone,” says Corey of his first week in Bali. “I stayed in a tiny $10-a-night hostel and honestly just sat in my room feeling numb. I kept asking myself if I’d made the right choice by coming.”
Despite experiencing wonderful things on a trip, a low mood can make it feel like a dead space, says Triggs. “The space to reflect on our lives while enjoying a beautiful environment is a great pleasure of travel. But when someone is anxious or depressed, they could be physically present but seeing nothing – caught in self-critical thoughts such as: I deserved this, I am rejectable, I messed up, or I will be alone forever.
“In solitude for long periods, they might find it harder to challenge these dark thoughts and tend to spiral down further.”
Both Cheree’s and Corey’s trips were short-term, one month and 15 days long, respectively. Yet both of them were able to feel better about their situations before they had to return home.
Initially, the newness of Paris helped Cheree. “There’s something about being in a foreign city, where no one knows you, the language is different, and everything feels new, that gives you space to breathe and reset. I remember writing in my diary that it felt like Paris was wrapping its arms around me, helping me heal,” she says.
When Corey relocated to a more lively part of Bali, “closer to where things were happening”, the distraction felt good. “On my first day there, a German backpacker introduced himself and invited me for a drink later. I forced myself to go – and that simple choice changed everything,” he tells the Herald. “We ended up hanging out, along with a French guy he’d met who was also travelling solo.”
The obvious antidote to loneliness is genuine company, even if it’s a temporary feel-good. “The loneliness didn’t disappear overnight, but being around new people helped massively. Once I allowed myself to connect, talk, and actually have fun, it became easier to breathe again,” says Corey.
“Sure, there were still moments when I had too much to drink and ended up crying alone for a bit – but having people around me, both old friends and new, helped me process things in a much healthier way than I expected."
Seeing her best friend at the second leg of her Europe trip couldn’t have been better timed, says Cheree. “I had already planned to meet my best friend in Croatia, and we laughed about how perfect the timing was. Who else goes through a horrible breakup and then heads straight into a Euro summer with their bestie lined up?”
Triggs says that acceptance is key. “Some DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) techniques that might help someone in this position would be to accept that they are feeling grief, sadness, fear and anger and not judge themselves for this. They could deliberately self-soothe so that they can tolerate their distress,” she says.
“They might develop a self-care routine that involves sleep, exercise, and regular calls with family and friends. It would be important to notice when they were becoming lost in negative thought patterns (for example, while journaling or before they go to sleep) and to find techniques to cut these off. Staying connected with people they trust will be particularly important to help them feel grounded and safe.”
In hindsight, Corey says, his trip turned out to be exactly what he needed. “It helped fast-track the healing, gave me space to reflect, and reminded me that life doesn’t end after heartbreak.
“I almost didn’t go – but in the end, it was one of the most unexpectedly positive experiences I’ve ever had.”
Varsha Anjali is a journalist in the lifestyle team at the Herald. Based in Auckland, she covers travel, culture and more.