Relationship breakups are hard, especially in the first few days and weeks. A new book offers advice on how to get through. Photo / Getty Images
Can you break up without breaking down? Tyson Beckett meets a Wellington author with practical tips for getting through, no matter what side of the decision you’re on.
No matter your age, life stage or general level of robustness – the early days of a breakup can knock you off your axis. Even when you recognise that the end of a connection is for the best, or came at the right time, the end of something you were once excited and hopeful about can illicit an uneasy level of self-reflection that presents anywhere from a dull ache to a searing pain.
Outside perspective can be invaluable, and friends and family are often there to be a sounding board or supportive brace – but it can sometimes be easier to ask for and accept the guidance of people who don’t know you as well. People who you don’t suspect are saying whatever it is they think you want to hear in the moment.
Enter Wellington-based journalist and mother of three Sarah Catherall who has literally written the book on breakups. Her recently released manual How To Break Up Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation details lessons learnt the hard way following the dissolution of her own marriage in 2009, but this isn’t a case of life giving you lemons and someone telling you how they’re actually an award-winning lemonade maker. Catherall’s advice is broad-reaching and widely applicable to breakups of all types. Alongside her narrative there are well-researched tips and advice gleaned from divorce coaches, family court lawyers, relationship experts and psychotherapists.
Below, she shares big-sister-style tips on how to practically and philosophically navigate your own breakup, from day one.
You’ve said you couldn’t have written this book 15 years ago when you were going through your divorce, that you were too close to it. If you were in week one of a breakup, what are the things you’d keep front of mind?
You might feel like you’re going a bit crazy but this is just a temporary feeling and it will pass. Depending on how long you were with the person, your lives have often been enmeshed in so many ways – at the extreme, you could have been co-dependent, feeling like you’re one half of a whole. If you were the dumper, recognise that your former partner might be in pain because of your decision so definitely don’t try to console or reassure him or her.
If you’ve been left, try to reach out to a support network: friends and family, or see a therapist if you’re really not coping. I had to take sleeping pills because my life had been upended in those two words – “It’s over” – and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. You might need to take time off work and that’s okay. But don’t, whatever you do, think that you have failed. A relationship breakup can actually be the start of a new chapter once you get through any pain and grief.
In hindsight, I wish I had thought of all the things I didn’t miss or like about my husband. A breakup makes you a bit obsessive and it’s tempting to text him or her but you shouldn’t – and you should also unfriend and unfollow on the socials! After a week, it might be too soon to write a roadmap or to make some plans without him or her, but if you can, try to. There will be ups and downs as you move into your new identity as an uncoupled person, but sometimes a breakup is the shake-up you need for your life.
The world is designed for couples – you talk about this in the introduction. Occasionally it seems like breakups, or advice around them is catered towards people in long-term relationships as well. But the end of shorter-term relationships can feel discombobulating. Do you have any guidance for navigating heartbreak that might be less high stakes but still comes with big feelings?
You are right that the advice and narrative tends to be around the end of long-term, live-in relationships, particularly when children are involved. I write in my book about my first true experience of heartbreak, when the man I thought I might marry fell in love with someone else. I was in my mid-20s and I was so devastated because my friends and I were starting to think about who we might settle down with. Age and stage can impact on how we feel about a break-up. But don’t feed your emotional monster: don’t over catastrophise, or allow yourself to ruminate too much. Try to think positive thoughts about yourself and your breakup – now I can embrace and enjoy this experience that he/she didn’t enjoy; was he or she really that amazing? How about that annoying habit they had of ...
A lot of advice people get about relationships and breakups focuses on mindset and perspective. What are some practical things people going through it in the here and now can utilise?
If you’ve been living together, you have to physically untangle your lives. Who gets to keep the bed, or live in the house you rent or own together for that matter? You might have a pet to share or kids to co-parent so either try to work out your practical arrangements or get a divorce coach or mediator to help – they cost money but can help step back and view your situation fairly and objectively.
If you don’t have kids or assets together, how about the houseplants you bought together or the vinyl record collection you both own? Try to be grown-up about it. But it’s a bit like getting the tax return done: once you’ve sorted out some of these practical changes, you’ll feel better.
In the book you talk about putting the needs of your kids first. What about if there aren’t kids involved? Am I delusional for wanting to keep my ex in my life as a friend solely for my benefit?
You can stay friends with your ex if your ex wants that too. But a separation or breakup means exactly that – too much contact and you might risk getting back together, or riding the on-again off-again relationship rollercoaster. If your ex is still in love with you, it’s better to allow them space to detach and to heal. I’m friends with my ex because he is the father of my daughters, but I wasn’t in the early days. I was too traumatised every time I saw him, swinging from love to hate to acceptance and back to love and hate again.
Some people we date or form intimate relationships with are only supposed to be in our life for a while. Or the person might be a better match as a friend than a partner. Each relationship is a bridge to meeting a person who will be a better fit for you long-term, or it might be that you choose – like some of those I interviewed for my book – to stay happily, consciously single.
When you recognise you need support, how can a proudly independent person reach out to the people that are around you and ask for help?
This is particularly true for males. Men are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression after a breakup because they’re less likely to see a therapist or talk out their feelings, but there are some wonderful podcasts and social media groups for men – Divorce Cowboy is one I’d recommend.
You may be a proud, independent person but you’re also human and heartbreak unites us all. You will find that friends and family will love to help and support you in your vulnerable moments and you might find that you connect with them in new ways. Their help can take different forms: it might be that you just want a friend to go out for a wine or a walk with after work, or on a girls’ or boys’ weekend away, to fill the space you previously spent with your partner with different connections and experiences.
Moving on is an important part of the breakup process. It’s also a part people sometimes rush – confusing a want to move on with a desire for attention, especially after rejection. How can you tell whether you’re moving on for genuine reasons?
I thought that by dating men and trying to replace the void my ex left, I’d feel better about life and about myself. I struggled with being single and being alone.
I found online dating really traumatic, because I had been rejected by my husband so I recoiled when someone would like me on a dating site and then ghost me. I had some dating horror stories (read about these in my book).
If it’s too soon and you’re not over your ex, you’re at risk of a rebound relationship: your ex was Mr Aloof Bad Boy so your next partner is Mr Nice Guy but after the honeymoon period is over, you find him too needy and annoying.
What I learned through my own breakup journey was that I had to heal from my marriage breakup and love and accept myself as a single, complete person without a partner. Someone said to me: “If it’s not ‘f*** yes, it’s f*** no’”, and I’ve never forgotten that. I was on a man ban when I met Steve eight years ago and he was my “Mr F*** yes”.
I look back and think that most of my nourishing times in the seven years before I met him were the time I spent with my kids, my friends, meeting new people, and doing things like running a marathon, discovering hot yoga, travelling, hiking and fundraising for a charity. If I could have those seven years back, I’d have done more of that and less of the mindless, disappointing date nights.
How To Break Up Well: Surviving and Thriving After Separation by Sarah Catherall, published by Bateman Books, RRP $39.99, available now.
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