"My wife convinced me to get a kitten, so we did, a very cute black one. I'd asked for a male - once they're neutered they're no trouble. Within days of having the kitten at home, and stroking his lovely fluffy tummy, I noticed that 'he' had nipples, and not just two, but two rows of them. So I called the vet.

Me: My male cat's got nipples so I'm worried he's actually female.

Vet: Is that Mr Smale I'm talking to?

Me: Yes


Vet: I bet you've got nipples too.

Me: **embarrassed that I could be so dim**"

(Source: b3ta.com)

Valentine's Day messages from Sideswipe readers (sentimental fools!)

• Handsome Starfish, you are my Adonis, my soldier of love, my warrior keeping our little family safe. I love you more than shoes and chocolate. Love, Pamplemousse xxx

• Happy Valentine's Day to my darling sweet Stephen. Waking up beside you each morning I think about how I don't feel like going to work and how lucky I am to have found you. And don't worry this didn't cost a cent. Love you with all of my heart Karen.

• Sarah, you are more beautiful every year we are together and your kindness and happiness fills my life, our kids and everybody you meet, lots of love Ant X

• For Praveen, First time I saw you, I was lost in you. Second time I fell in love with you. In 11 years of marriage everyone knows, you are mine and I am yours forever. Love Ajeshni.

• To my darling wife Lisa, Never mind your cooking, it's your body I'm after! Love, Robbie

• Bruce - My film star, my rock star, my lobstar, and more ... I will never let go of your gnarly old claw - Love Carmel

• James, I would even do the thing Meat Loaf wouldn't do for love for you Love from Kate, Cozzie and Cooper

• Pixie, you have been my sunshine since I met you. In my dreams I will always be your head chef. I want to be your best friend forever. Only the girl for me would want potted herbs rather than roses. Pascal

• Steve, Happy Valentine's Day. Could you please pick up some milk on the way home? Love forever, Julie.

• We had never met before, but we got chatting at a local bar near home. Come time to leave our fate was sealed, we both left for the car park at the same time, and both hit the remote unlock buttons at the same time, both our identical Toyota Caldinas that where coincidentally parked next to each other flashed their warning lights at the same time as the cars un locked, Maybe that is a Kumeu-ean version of the fireworks going off? That was over a year ago and you thought I'd forgotten. Sharon, will you be my Valentine? Tristan.

• Dear Ashleigh, I love it when you complain about how muscly your quads are but still squat on the daily, when you fry the chicken before putting in the onion and when you get shy about your odd belly button. Most of all I love the way your laugh makes me laugh and I can always rely on you for an "Upto bro?" text every morning. Please be my Valentine ... xxxxxx

• To my Fiancée, Krishna. I'm glad I met you when we were 7, when you made fun of me and made me cry. I'm glad that I found you again when we were 16 because of my random-detail-remembering-brain. I'm glad that after 7 years together we still know so much and so little about each other. We drive each other crazy and are best friends. I'm glad you are my Valentine. Love, Sharleen."

• To my baby, I don't need a day to remind me to tell you how much I love you. I should and do tell you that whenever I can! Steve

• 'To the hot guy who walked the wrong way to his car after the Big Gay Out (with two hot tattooed ladies), and in turn walked into me, WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE? Cos I'm too chicken to ask you in person. From Shy Guy

• To my one true love...When you were a boy you and your lil bro loved to play bow n arrows. Shoot straight up and then wait for them to come down...I hope one day you will know how much I love you and cupid will catch us with his bow n arrow...its never too late. Sake

• TJ - I love you more than sugar,
I love you more than salt -
It does not mean you use so much
I'm by far the best condiment!
Love you cellars full - PJ

• To my darling Druff, I loved you from the moment we first met. I cherish each day I get to spend with you and I hope it lasts forever xoxo Love Rachel ...and Adam ? Happy Valentine's day!

• To my dear, sweet Immy. You have no idea how lucky I am to have found you. You inspire me to be a better man. You are the kindest and most compassionate person I have ever met and if there were more people like you, the world would truly be a better place. I love you with all of my heart. Josh

• Clen, 20 years of bliss. Yr still looking mighty fine my baby ... Up 4 a bit of action 2nite, wot do you think, perhaps, maybe? CUIS - Shellie

• Dave, Even though we have only been mates for five years and it is early days and you sometimes forget my name, do you think if we are still mates in five more years we might start going steady or something? No pressure. Jeanette

• Albert@goracing - you make my heart go giddy up! Love Liss

• To my husband Geoffrey, thank you for sticking by me over the last few months. This illness was not in our plans, and you have been patient, kind, and loving every day. I'm sorry that we can't have kids for a few more years, but I know that when we can, you will be an amazing dad. I love you more every day. Your wife, Gemma

Lovin' links: And if you have to fire off a quick email here are some alternative options ... Tyrannical Valentine's Day Cards ... Or try Happy [expletive] Valentines ... Or maybe you'd just like to read a Valentine's Day story with pathos?
Or how about some literary come ons for the bookish...

Video: And if love isn't your thing ...

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