A microfilm containing top-secret documents was discovered this week secreted in Julian Assange's beard at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. It was couriered by a man in a cheap panda suit to a location in Kowloon, whereupon it was faxed to your correspondent by pseudonymous associate Lambshank. Regrettably, most of the contents appear to have been deleted, and all that remains are several hundred recent emails in the Hotmail inbox of the New Zealand Prime Minister, John Key. Most are links to hilarious YouTube clips from Maurice Williamson. Here is a selection of the others:
John. I have the text in front of me, all beautifully set out, a veritable cornucopia of cross-border excellence. I know the document almost by heart, and the decision is mine. But enough about the departure lounge wine list. I am off to Atlanta, where I shall conclude the TPP. Godspeed and chin chin!
- Tim Groser
Johnny! Keysie Weesie! Dreadfully sorry to bish-bosh into you gin-box like this but I'm in a smidge of a pickle, old bean. Thing is, that bitter old bastard Ashcroft has been spreading stories about Oxford hijinks, all of it hogwash, obviously, but I don't suppose you'd mind terribly just popping across to help a pal out?
It's party conference this week and we could use a few old fashioned ooh-er-madam distractions if you take my meaning. Perhaps you could man a stall braiding ladies' hair, something like that? What do you say, Keysie? Otherwise, how about telegraphing a message for the hall, old chap, maybe one of those haka dances or just say "fish and chips" several times or what have you. We do so love the way you Kiwis speak!
- Kissy-wissy, David Cameron
Righto, gidday. I gather you're with the troops in Iraq. Probably they're all, "How's Gerry?" and "Say hi to Gerry", are they? I've been on a bit of a top-secret international excursion myself, as it happens: behind the lines at the Panda Breeding Centre in Chengdu. Tell you what, it's all looking hunky pandy dory for Wellington Zoo.
I've been exchanging emails with Bronagh to discuss what we might call them. I quite like Silver-Silver and Fern-Fern. But how about Lachlan and Vera: for short - the Chinese would like this - Lach'n'Ver. Or here's one for Wellington: Dai and Ying. Just a couple of jokes there to lighten the mood in Camp Taji. Read them out to the boys if you like.
Hey Mr Prime Minister. Great speech at the General Assembly. Plucky. Feisty. Naturally the Security Council Big Five aren't going to give up their veto, but thanks for reaching out.
So, listen. What I'm hearing is that your boy Tom in Atlanta is getting hot under the collar about dairy. My people tell me he's bouncing about topping up negotiators' coffee with milk from a bottle coated in an Isis flag, which is kinda uncool. Even more preposterously, he's been insisting that New Zealanders call their 7-Elevens "dairies". Please tell Tom to take a chill pill. We're going to do this deal and you and me and the future President Clinton can celebrate on the back nine.
P.S. I am loving this Red Peak shiz!
OK. Things are looking tricky. I remain confident we will secure a rock-solid dairy deal. The others keep saying, "Chill out, Tim, just hold on," which is international trade code for "We respect you, Tim, you'll get what you need."
I take your point about adopting a more conciliatory approach to TPP opponents and I give you my 24-carat assurance I shall be doing all I can to demonstrate generosity and humility towards the hoof-witted morons, the pig-ignorant blunt-skulls and the jelly-brained quislings.
- Tim G
Gidday mate. Hope you don't mind me coming to you for more advice. For a weekend outdoor gathering among rural small business types would you go with the business shirt, sleeves rolled up, or a polo-shirt sort of thing? (See pics attached.)
- Malcolm Turnbull
P.S. Will look into the whole detention-deportation wotsit ASAP!
In light of the rumoured assignment of Tim Groser to the Washington embassy and, accordingly, vacancy in Cabinet, I am attaching a copy of the Chisholm report which completely exonerated me and a selection of my recent newspaper columns.
- Judith Collins
Dear Mr Key. I got the link you sent me about the kiwi bird. Haha, you have a wicked sense of humour, as if we would want any of those kiwi birds for a zoo. Haha so funny. But listen, to be serious, we can work something out here. What do you say about two pandas for two All Blacks and a big bag of those awesome supermarket miniatures?
- Xi Jingping
I beg of you please ask Gerry to stop emailing me about pandas.
- Bronagh x
P.S. Where the hell are you? The cat isn't going to put itself out.
Iraq, you say? I know just how you feel. You won't find a more awful and beige place than the second bathroom of this Atlanta hotel suite. It gets worse: not a drop of Rmy Martin to be found.
As for the negotiations, you can't make an omelette, as we say on the trade circuit, without breaking a few milk tankers up for parts. It won't be a gold-plated deal, let alone an actual gold one. Let's call it a tarmac deal: a road to a brighter future of gold-plated deals.
Completely understood about the charm offensive, and I note with some appreciation your observation that I have mastered the second half of that concept. I would, however, add that when you exhort me to discharge less insults what you surely mean is fewer.
Mr Prime Minister. Thank you for your invitation. I assume this is about the TPP. Unfortunately, however, I do not play golf.
- Hillary Clinton
John. We know you like basking in the All Black glow sort of thing, and that's fine. We know you like to dip your hand in other men's shakes, and that's fine, too. But there's a line, John, and that line is interfering in team selection sort of thing. I've been hearing you've been saying things, and on the big stage at the United Nations no less, about why we should stop using Vito. That's no bloody good, John. Victor is a very fine player.
- Steve Hansen