There's nothing to worry about. Okay? More people die at home every day in their beds. But no one's running around calling for beds to be banned, apart from Bernie Sanders. Crazy Bernie! People say to me, "Oh it's mean of you to question his sanity because mental illness is a sensitive topic." But I don't question his sanity. There's no question he's crazy.
As for this virus, we have doctors working on a vaccine, terrific doctors, very clever people, good Americans. So it's not a problem. Everybody, just relax. Go back to your houses. Go home. Don't worry about this Chinese flu.
The Government is moving as swiftly as we possibly can in designing a scheme that is appropriate to this situation. And that is why I am confident in saying that the exact details will be announced next week, or maybe the week after. And so we'll have more to say soon, and when I say soon, I mean by and by. Or as the younger demographic says: "Chill." You know? Let's get it right. Now is the time for patience.
BACHELOR MIKE ON THE BACHELORETTE (TUESDAY NIGHT'S EPISODE)
This is the wrong place for patience, my friend.
Obviously, I realise this is the time for cool heads and a sensible appraisal of all the circumstances, and that's all very well, but it's also an opportunity for me to make outlandish comments simply in order to make a noise. And what I want to say is this: we have to act now to punish the poor and the vulnerable. Only then will the Kiwi way of life be maintained in these dark hours. This is what a competent Government would do and I urge the Prime Minister to come to her goddamned senses!
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I will not act on the suggestions of the Leader of the Opposition. I will take my advice from experts in the field of microbiology and other associated disciplines. Let's listen to what Nanogirl has to say.
If you're happy and you know it, wash your hands! Wash, wash! WASH, WASH, WASH, WASH FFS.
THE KIWI HOUSEHOLDER
At the end of the day it's a time to show national pride and right now we've got to show that no one in the world panics as quickly and strips supermarket shelves bare of toilet paper as swiftly as we do.
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THE AUSSIE HOUSEHOLDER
Hold my beer.
Go back to your houses. Go home. And stay home. Board up the windows and lock the doors. If the phone rings, don't answer it. It could be Europe calling. You don't want to speak to Europe. You certainly don't want China popping in for a cup of tea.
Seen that movie A Quiet Place? A family struggles for survival in a world where most humans have been killed by blind but noise-sensitive creatures. And so they move about their house without making a sound. That's a good idea and easy to put into practice.
Seen that movie Night of the Living Dead? Another good American film, another workable concept, and that is to barricade yourself inside and push the couches and the wardrobes up against the doors and windows in case infected persons try to get in.
If you have a moment, and you think it's safe, then step outside and mix water and cement together to make concrete. Now use it to pave a nice strong foundation. And then start adding layers, and make it higher, and higher, as high as you can go. Because right now is the time to build a wall.