"Brian!" I yelled this morning. "Brian! Yoo-hoo!"
I walked all through the Destiny church and the Destiny mansion and the Destiny stables and the Destiny airport and finally found him in the Destiny entrails room. He spends a lot of time in there gutting the wild pigs he kills with his bare hands for the glory of God.
He was with my Vision New Zealand campaign manager, Jevan Goulter.
"Guess what!" I yelled.
Blood was pouring out of the boar's eyes. Brian looked up and said, "What?"
"I'm going to be on Dancing with the Stars!" I yelled.
Jevan capped his hands, and said, "This is a wonderful branding opportunity and we must do everything we can to make sure that it doesn't backfire!"
Yea and so verily do people from all walks of liberal, socially progressive and morally disapproving life look up to me and sayeth, "OMG you're so tall! We didn't know you were so tall! We love it that you're so tall!"
And I explaineth to them, "Well, children, this is what happens when one constantly occupies the moral high ground."
And a silence cometh over them and they feel blessed.
Today I feeleth a strong need to denounce Hannah Tamaki on my TV show, The Pulpit.
For is this woman not one of those people who have views we do not share or condone and therefore makes our lives so intolerable that we have to moan about it? I have examined the situation closely and made an analysis, which I think you will find nuanced, balanced and thoughtful. Verily, I announceth unto you: "Cancel her ass! Cancel her ass! Cancel her ass!"
We must stop giving this bigot that holiest of things only the truly pure of heart ought to haveth: a platform.
Like woah, yeah boi we must stop giving Kanoa Lloyd a platform, you know what I'm saying? I mean, ugh OMG look at her, you know what I'm saying? She's a rotten rancid stuffed pig with blood pouring out of her eyes - and I don't mean that in any disrespectful way to women or pigs, you know what I'm saying?
I hereby dismiss Jevan Goulter as my campaign manager.
I didn't know what I was saying.
We hereby dismiss Hannah Tamaki from Dancing with the Stars.
Who will the woke left come for next? Are any of us safe in our beds? Have we lost precious freedoms? Is this what we fought for in two World Wars? Do immigrants cause rain? What's with their cooking smells? Where are my teeth? Do I dare to eat a peach? Who killed JFK? Was there a moon landing, really? Do we dare ask? Can we say what we really think? Can we think what we even think? Do we think at all? Come to think of it, am I thinking right now, or just issuing a number of provocations?
Feeling sorry for Jevan Goulter yet?
Many of my best thoughts come from a heavenly fundament. I was lying in bed this morning and said, "Do you realise the media in New Zealand are venomous, sexually confused, effeminate, false wannabes, messed-up, insecure, and booze-drenched? And," I added, "that's just the ones who are good at their job."
We lay there in silence for a while.
I sighed, and said, "I really miss Jevan."
"Me too," Hannah whispered.