CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)
Meghan, Schmegan! There's a new princess in town and it's you, you, you! 2020 is your year of living regally. Spend, travel, and above all, accessorise. But where there's a Meghan there's a Kate: watch your back, there's going to be a dirty big knife in it. Work is pretty average this year. Hold on to what you've got and don't make waves. Have you read the latest Dr Libby book on stress? It might pay to. Be prepared for a social media backlash, and remember: you had it coming. Walk the length of George St at dawn.
AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)
OMG! You're not going to believe what's in store for you this year. Circumstances and events will challenge your preconceptions, that's for sure; in essence, and without wanting to get too specific, you'll question what it means to be human. Otherwise, things are pretty humdrum. Take long drives to get you not just out of the house but out of town. Pack a tent and some basic toiletries just in case. Spend more time on social media. Twitter's okay. If you see a pile-on, pile in.
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PISCES (February 20-March 20)
Aw! God, you're going to look cute this year. Even God won't be able to tell the difference between you and an angel. Knuckle down, study hard, try your best. You've been on close terms with success for most of your life but it won't do you any harm to start hanging out with failure. New friends are going to be your best friends. They're going to get who you really are. There might be ongoing problems with a sad parent. It's okay. Just spend time with them, and they'll come right.
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Go, man, go! 2020 is going to be one of those years when you feel as though you're constantly bearing down on goal in full view of an admiring public. Go for it. YOLO, right? Family conflicts will need to be resolved. Violence gets bad press but in moderation, it might just be what everyone wants and needs. Stay home more often. It'll do you good to put your feet up. Sleep is a great cure for depression. See your family doctor, and bathe often.
TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
Hashtag #winning! But only in an ironic way. You'll need black humour to deal with a year that's going to make you resemble a total loser. 2020 is all very swipe right but things will start to pick up around about mid-December. Travel beckons. Have you spent much time in Oturehua? Ask not what the planet can do for you but what you can do to slow down climate change. Compost regularly, and do something about your problems with flatulence. Choose between an extreme sport and Netflix. Hint: there's nothing worth watching on Netflix.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
Oh dear, oh dear! What to do with you? Even more baffling: what to do with the two of you? Everywhere you go, you take your divided self. Try and make sure one of you has a good time. Travel beckons. It could be Iceland, it could be Egypt, it could be Glen Eden. Hang on to your dreams. If that's asking too much, and it probably is, hang on to what little you have for dear life. Clean the cupboards. Get ready to move. Someone loves you very, very much.