NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Toby Manhire: Party leaders' big speeches, uncut edition

NZ Herald
24 Aug, 2017 05:00 PM6 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

James Shaw would just like to take this opportunity to say the Greens had all those ideas before Labour took them mainstream. Photo / Mark Mitchell.

James Shaw would just like to take this opportunity to say the Greens had all those ideas before Labour took them mainstream. Photo / Mark Mitchell.

Opinion

With less than a month until we get down to the serious democratic business of Winston Peters deciding who will be the next government, the only things being written more often than party leaders' political obituaries are party leaders' campaign launch speeches.

Last week it was Jacinda Ardern holding mass at the Auckland Town Hall; this weekend it's Bill English's turn out west. The Greens seem to be relaunching their campaign every second day.

A lot of work goes into these launch addresses, as they go through draft after draft. Thanks to proprietary algorithmic technology and magic, however, we can reverse engineer those speeches back to their raw states. Here are the first drafts.

Bill English, National Party

Some of you will recall we promised a brighter future. Well we're there. This is it. It simply doesn't get any brighter. The economy is good. The housing market is fixed. Everyone is just generally fine. Let's done this.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Our job now is to keep the brightness going, by delivering for New Zealand a regular supply of incandescent light bulbs and massive great roads to get them around the country.

Roads. Incredible things. Very strong and very stable. And it is absolutely crucial that we have the strength to be straight with people and not just tell them what they want to hear.

The ability to get the job done. That is what leadership means to me. And it is that leadership that I, Theresa May, offer. Strong and stable leadership to guide Britain through the years ahead.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

In conclusion, we believe in evidence. And the evidence shows that the Labour Party suddenly aren't useless any more. The evidence also shows that the focus groups don't like dangerous kids, so we're doing boot camps and curfews. Relentlessly punitive. Also roads.

Jacinda Ardern, Labour Party

Kia ora, Glastonbury! Yeah, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do this.

Yeah, I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

Discover more

Opinion

Who's next in the resignation election?

10 Aug 05:00 PM
Opinion

Toby Manhire: Little ol' NZ strikes again

17 Aug 05:00 PM
Opinion

PM Job Interview: English v Ardern - Who came out best?

22 Aug 06:43 AM
Opinion

Peter Dunne blows with the wind, one last time

22 Aug 09:39 AM

Yeah, so I want to be completely clear about this. There will be some policies that go back on the table, but we've had a flood of donations, and we've invested in a really big table. We'll be appointing a working group, and they'll make their way through all the issues and we'll basically just leave it to them, because they'll be experts, and they'll have this huge table to sit around, let's do this.

Yeah, I'm relentlessly positive. I'm really excited about the weeks ahead, and using that relentless positivity to eviscerate more enemies. If anyone has a go at me, what I'll do is I'll reply by saying something incredibly generous and charming, thereby baffling and disarming them completely and I'll look on empathetically as they slide inexorably into political inferno. Let's do this.

Winston Peters, NZ First

With the greatest of respect none of these people has the slightest idea about the truth of the matter, and the truth of the matter is that New Zealand First is fully apprised of the gruesome details that will bring down the government in due course, and I'll tell you why, because if you think you can put this Johnny-come-lately skulduggery past the New Zealand people you've got another think coming, sunshine. That's right.

Green co-leaders James Shaw and James Shaw

James Shaw: Hi I'm James. And I'm delighted at this relaunch of the revamp of the reset of the campaign to announce a new deputy leader, James Shaw.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

James Shaw: Thanks, James, couldn't be more excited to be alongside you today.

James Shaw: I just want to take this opportunity to say sorry, not that we're sorry, but also to acknowledge that what happened with Metiria was definitely a mistake, although not in any way a mistake.

James Shaw: Kia ora, James. I just want to add one point to that.

James Shaw: Go ahead, James.

James Shaw: I just want to take this opportunity to say that we had all those ideas before Labour took them mainstream.

James Shaw: It's true. We're the Velvet Underground of political parties.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

James Shaw: And even though they were all our ideas and honestly would it kill them to show us just the tiniest bit of love, I just want to take this opportunity to say we're not bitter.

James Shaw: Maybe a little resentfully positive.

James Shaw: Thanks James.

Marama Fox, the Māori Party

Lots of buses. Red buses, blue buses, green buses, school buses, so many buses. We also have a bus and it's got a few dings, but still runs okay as far as buses go, get on the bus.

Gareth Morgan, The Opportunities Party

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

The Opportunities Party is completely focused on presenting a thoroughly researched, empirically grounded policy platform to New Zealand voters or as I call them blithering idiots. What is wrong with these morons? I understand everything in the world except why it is full of imbeciles. Vote Top, imbeciles!

I'm sick of these idiots, I'm sick of the focus on personality instead of policy. New Zealand needs fewer personalities and more policy-focused megalomaniac millionaires. Only the feeblest snowflakes have a problem with this "lipstick on a pig" thing and Labour leader Laura Dern. It's a saying, right? Like "polishing a turd", except believe me that's a fiddly business. It's like the saying "putting a silk waistcoat on a cat before mercilessly executing it." Okay? You're an idiot. So are you. And you over there, that's the most idiotic face I've ever seen in my life, idiot.

In conclusion, we believe in evidence. And the evidence is that Donald Trump won the election in America by ranting and raging at the establishment and launching into unhinged tirades on the internet. Drain the swamp, idiot.

Peter Dunne, United Future

All I'm saying is that if there did happen to be a groundswell, an uprising if you will, demanding the Honorable Peter Dunne return to save the great nation of New Zealand, then he would certainly be willing to consider ironing his cape and...

David Seymour, ACT Party

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

I wrote a book.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from New Zealand

New Zealand

Lotto: Powerball not struck, one First Division player $1 million richer

12 Jul 08:04 AM
New Zealand

Wall of water floods Kaiteriteri holday park

12 Jul 07:55 AM
New Zealand

Landslides, flooding, fallen trees: Nelson-Tasman residents urged to stay home

12 Jul 06:34 AM

From early mornings to easy living

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from New Zealand

Lotto: Powerball not struck, one First Division player $1 million richer

Lotto: Powerball not struck, one First Division player $1 million richer

12 Jul 08:04 AM

Time to check your Lotto numbers to see if you are $1 million richer.

Wall of water floods Kaiteriteri holday park

Wall of water floods Kaiteriteri holday park

12 Jul 07:55 AM
Landslides, flooding, fallen trees: Nelson-Tasman residents urged to stay home

Landslides, flooding, fallen trees: Nelson-Tasman residents urged to stay home

12 Jul 06:34 AM
Second venomous sea snake washes ashore in Coromandel

Second venomous sea snake washes ashore in Coromandel

12 Jul 06:00 AM
Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP