Within the family: Jealously guarding a child's security

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

Parents and other adults have a vital role in teaching children to manage their jealousy.

Childhood jealousy arises from a fear of being abandoned. Children are therefore vigilant for signs of rejection, and one potential threat, in the child's eyes, is being displaced by a rival.

You cannot prevent your child from being exposed to such a fear.

A new baby whom everyone fusses over, parents giving each other attention in a way that excludes the child, a sibling's birthday, a sick sibling, a visiting child, even parents going out for an evening without the child - all these are examples of situations which in the child's eyes place attention in directions other than on them and their needs, and thus give rise to fear.

It is a hard lesson for children, and the way parents handle it can be one of the best gifts they can offer their offspring in preparing them for their adult lives and relationships.

If handled insensitively, a child may not learn that jealousy can be recognised and managed, and thus jealousy will maintain its capacity to terrorise and undermine the adult.

We can show our children that underneath jealousy is an important relationship that they are protecting, and we can put it into words for them and reassure them about it.

We do not need to use the word jealousy. Jealousy is a name we give to a fear. It is the fear that needs to be named.

Say, for example: "I see you are feeling frightened that I'll love baby more than you.

"Do you know, there is so much love in the world, it will never run out. I can love you and I can love baby. In fact, the more we love, the more love we get."

There are some important messages we can give our children about managing their jealousy:

* Put the feeling into words and make it normal. Let them know that it is good to want to protect a special relationship.

* Reassure them that you love them too.

* Encourage children to talk about their worry.

* Make clear the boundaries of the expression of jealousy. For example, say: "If you feel angry, come and tell me. I promise I'll listen (make sure you do). I can't let you hit him, though, same as I won't let anyone hit you."

* Encourage awareness of consequences of behaviour.

Consequences relate to cause and effect, not to punishment and withdrawal of love.

Just think about that for a moment. If you threaten the withdrawal of love over a child's expression of their fear of abandonment, you have already made real the thing they most fear. There's no sense in that.

So, they need to learn to think through to consequences of behaviour. Rather than saying "I won't love you if you hit baby", how about, "If you hit baby he'll cry, and then we'll all be unhappy."

Children who are helped with their jealousy become generous adults.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.