Within the family: Heavy silence can shout of pain or shame

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

Silence may be golden as an alternative to noise, but there are times when the silence is so loud that it deafens all other words.

Twice recently I have learned of situations where families have had an unspoken rule of silence over a distressing situation.

In one case, friends of a separated couple were managing the discomfort of the situation by not referring to the absent partner.

In the other, one of the children has a chronic psychiatric problem that is tearing the family apart, but no one refers to the illness or its consequences.

In such cases, friends catch on that there are unbroachable topics and carefully avoid them.

But the unspoken is the uppermost concern in everyone's mind. In order to avoid stumbling onto it, conversation becomes utterly superficial, to the point that the very conversation is painful because of what it does not say.

What is it that makes these issues taboo? It is partly that they contain overwhelming pain for the people who are close to them, and referring to the subject may have the same effect as taking the finger out of the proverbial dyke.

They also contain elements of shame and failure that this family, despite their commitment to decency and stability, cannot hide from the world that things went badly wrong.

There is fear of being pitied, which is humiliating.

So there are good reasons to be careful. But does silence ease the problem? I think not.

Silence leads to everyone living a pretence. People become unreal.

This can drive people to think they are insane because they cannot trust what they see around them.

Children are especially sensitive to the unreality of adult lies, and learn not to pursue their instinct.

The result is also great loneliness, as those close to the problem suffer silently, unable to share their burden with others out of some sense that telling is betrayal.

Speaking the thing that cannot be said may be the greatest service a family member or friend can do. Naming has an amazing power to take the tension out of an otherwise stressful situation.

But it needs to be done with care by someone who is prepared to stick around to help them through the crisis this may cause.

Saying, "What is going on with your child? We can see you are miserable" may well cause some mess, though no more than the bursting of a boil leads to cleansing the sore.

If then the family choose to continue as before, they are at least making a choice. Without talking openly, they are trapped.

Robert Frost wrote of the confusion that secrets cause:

We dance round in a ring and suppose,

But the secret sits in the middle and knows.

How much better to have the knowledge in the open, where it can be dealt with.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.