Jim Hopkins: Skirt-lifters send sailors seething in new Cup shock

By Pete Montcommentary and Helen Tuna - International Yachting Correspondents

HOLY MOLEY! What have these guys been smoking? That's what most yachting gurus were saying this week when Team Dinkum Kiwi finally "defrocked" their closely guarded, hush-hush design secrets in a long-awaited Viaduct Basin "lift-up" that left observers gasping in oar-struck amazement.

Many America's Cup experts had been predicting that Tuesday's keel reveal would be one of the most exciting episodes of the whole interminable regatta. And so it proved to be.

For months there's been speculation that the Team NZ boys had something pretty big under their skirts, but the actual size and shape of their "appendage" had never been confirmed. There were those who said they'd seen it, and those who said they'd talked to someone who'd seen it but no one could provide an accurate description of the mysterious performance-enhancer. Until now, that is.

When it was revealed on Tuesday, Team Dinkum Kiwis' spectacular attachment drew gasps of envious amazement from spectators and rivals alike. To call it a stupendous design innovation is a massive understatement. It's a bit like saying Gwyneth Paltrow is quite pretty really, if you like that sort of fling.

There were cries of "Zounds!" and "Pass me the smelling salts, Martha" from many as it became immediately obvious that onlookers could see the faint outline of a faint outline near the stern of the black boat.

Whether the faint outline is more than a faint outline has not been disclosed, but other Team Dinkum Kiwi secrets are now out in the open for all to see with their own incredulous eyes.

Especially the "Hoopla", a tiny, nuclear-powered submarine fitting snugly against the hull but not touching it at any point other than where it is attached. While yachting novices at the Basin were slow to appreciate the significance of the Hoopla, those in the know instantly realised the affect it could have on the black boats' performance.

Put simply, Hoopla is intended to incrementally obfuscate the submarinal fluidity of a vessel's peripheral extremities (T = O over AinfI x H) by propulsively enhancing ambient hydrodynamic motility in the linear plane. More technically, it's intended to improve the yacht's waterline speed and thus the length of its win.

Not surprisingly, this radical move has outraged rival syndicates (and Louis Vuitton finalists), 'Orrible and Aloony. The chief designer for the 'Orrible team, Bruce Farce, has condemned the Kiwi Hoopla as "an unsporting addition to an event which should properly be decided, as it traditionally has been, by skilled and dedicated lawyers going head to head, mano a mano, out in the jury room".

"This appendage may be legal," sniffed Farce, "but is it ethical? I see they've called it Hoopla. Is that because they think they're going to run rings around us?"

Renowned Indian yachting commentator Navjot Swami is another who's challenged the ethics of the Hoopla.

"There will be those who feel this displays great wision," said Swami, "and others who will feel it leaves the Kiwi wulnerable. Only a foolish man tries to stick a turnip up an elephant's bottom. Those who dance in gravy today may waltz with confusion tomorrow. Big boast, small roast, I always say. Never ask a one-armed man to feed a crocodile chocolates. And always remember, if ifs and ands were pots and pans, there'd be food all over the dictionary."

Such stinging criticism has clearly wounded Team Dinkum Kiwi. In an exclusive interview with the Harold, spokesman Tom Chickenburger reacted angrily to allegations that the Hoopla was unsporting.

"The America's Cup has always been unsporting," snapped Chickenburger. "So what's new?"

He also challenged the legality of a mysterious device - dubbed "the goose" - which was spotted this week on the back of 'Orrible's boat. "If they're going to whinge about our sub," said Chickenburger, "we'll definitely want to have a gander at that."

Bruce Farce is adamant the 'Orrible object will remain in place. "There's nothing secret about it," he said. "It's called a goose because it's a goose. If all else fails, we plan to throw eggs at Aloony, so it's just there for the ammo."

FOOTNOTE: In a shock move, local scribbler Jam Hipkins has revealed plans to imitate some of Team Dinkum Kiwi's radical design features. Although he won't be using a nuclear submarine, Hipkins says he has devised a literary variation of the team's length-enhancing double-hull that will allow him to complete his assignments in a more expeditious manner.

Hipkins says he plans to addd exxxxtra lettters tooo wworrrds in orddder to knnnock thesssse colummmmns offfff mmore quicccckkkly.

"I'm a busy man," he said, "and alll this wrrittting is havving ann unaccccceptabbble impaccct on my social life. By adding letterrrrs heeere and therere I figggure I'll neeeed a smmmalller numbber of woords too filll the reqqqquired sppace, whhhich meeeanss I cccan spennnnnd more time watchhhhing glamorous peopppple like Tom Cruise and Gwyneth Paltrow arrrrrivinggg at airpppports."

Hipkins claimed that scrutinutineers had already ruled his modification legal and denied it was a pathetic attempt to spare his readers the nightmare ordeal of wading through another sentence.