Dialogue: It certainly pays to be fatuous

By JOE BENNETT

As you will be aware, it is no easy job to affect the way people greet each other and when we founded our organisation we warned shareholders that they could expect to see little in the way of dividends from The Fatuous Greetings Co in the first two decades of our existence.

I am delighted to report, however, that success has come more quickly than we dared expect.

The United States, of course, is our original base, where we are recognised as market leaders. Thus we felt that it would be a good idea to enter the New Zealand interpersonal greetings industry at the same time as the American fast-food chains some 15 years ago.

We began our campaign modestly with a single phrase, on the theory that if we focused on market penetration from the outset, every subsequent innovation would be easier to effect. The phrase we chose was "Have a nice day." It is a proven winner.

Its combination of vacuousness and apparent bonhomie made it an immediate success in the American market some 50 years ago and it has since swept through much of the English-speaking world. We had some fears that the more rugged and independent New Zealand market would resist its introduction, but our fears proved unfounded.

After initial ridicule - for which we had budgeted - the phrase has become a stock item in New Zealand commercial idiom and our market research suggests that it has, as hoped, now taken its place in everyday social discourse, often in the variant form of "Have a nice one."

Because of the "Have a nice day" success, we have been able to implement the next stages of our strategic plan several years ahead of schedule.

Since "Have a nice day" is a valediction or farewell flourish, our next mission was to popularise a front-ender, a phrase which can be employed early in a conversation.

We introduced "How has your day been?" in early 1996. It began slowly but in the past 12 months has risen hugely in common usage. Vivien Bishop, one of our field operatives, cites the recent example of a dental receptionist who inquired "How has your day been so far?" of a client at 8.30 in the morning.

We believe shareholders will be as excited as we are to see that the phrase is already being used without regard to its meaning. It took "How do you do?" several centuries to achieve the divorce between meaning and usage that we have achieved in a mere few years.

Now, of course, we are galloping ahead.

Our recent introduction of "Have you got a big weekend planned?" has already shown promise in the retail sector. We have also grown the farewell market by the introduction of "Take care," which has found ready acceptance in the middle-aged consumer bracket. Its stronger variant, "Take care out there," seems also to be taking root.

We ascribe the success of these phrases to the increased perception among the older generation that the world has become hostile. We confidently predict strong growth in this sector.

At the same time, our infiltration policy has been two-pronged. A subsidiary arm of The Fatuous Greetings Co has focused on the youth market and a glance at its yield curve will confirm that its growth has far exceeded expectations.

The biggest winners here have been monosyllabic. Both "yo" and "bro" have been runaway successes and are now acknowledged brand leaders in the youth greetings industry.

The most remarkable innovation, however, and one that has surprised even us, is the renewed popularity of the greeting "man," a line that we discontinued in 1973.

Of course, the youth market has been supported with an intensive merchandising campaign. Much of our success is certainly owed to the material inducements of baseball caps and distinctively baggy trousers.

In addition to this, however - and this is where we believe we stand apart from our competitors - we have innovated a form of physical merchandising, what we have dubbed mannerism-ism.

Our first venture in this field of greetings was the hand-slap known as the high five.

It proved so popular among the young that we have since introduced the double handshake.

This involves the shoulder-high overlocking thumb grip followed by the more conventional joining of hands, accompanied of course by any combination of our monosyllabic youth greetings.

We are pleased, therefore, to announce a dividend to our investors well ahead of schedule and are confident of far greater proceeds in the years to come.

The compiler of this company report acknowledges his debt to Francis Wheen.