Dementia in Northland: Loving lies help smooth dementia journey

Kerikeri's Maria Nicol says using "loving lies" was a lightbulb moment when caring for her parents with dementia. Photo / Denise Piper

Dementia is on the rise in New Zealand, but it is a condition many are afraid to talk about. In the third story of a Northern Advocate series, Denise Piper shines a light on how Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia types impact Northlanders, the early warning signs and what help is available.

Maria Nicol says being brought up Christian, she was taught to never lie.

But the Kerikeri resident learnt a “loving lie” was better than an argument when helping care for her parents who both had dementia.

While it is quite a strain for both parents to have the progressive brain disorder, Maria eventually worked through her anger and resentfulness to find her own purpose, starting dementia education business Dignified Minds.

She has a Masters of Science in Advanced Dementia Studies from the United Kingdom’s University of Bradford and is a qualified diversional therapist, but Maria says her late parents, Bill and Rosa Corbett, were her biggest teachers.

It was during combative times - particularly with her father who was often confused and angry - that she learnt the secret of using “loving lies” to make things go smoother.

For example, her father was often worried he had forgotten to take his daily heart medications.

Maria said Bill would call up her sister Jeannette and argue because he was worried his medication had been missed, or call up the pharmacy and ask for another prescription.

Nothing worked to help reassure Bill that he had taken his medicines: when Maria and Jeannette got him to sign on a calendar he had taken his pills, he would later argue it wasn’t his handwriting.

After finding her sister stressed out, Maria devised a loving lie to tell Bill: he didn’t need to take the heart pills anymore because the doctor said he was in good health.

The loving lie worked almost instantly, helping Bill become less worried within just a few days, Maria says.

Maria Nicol says her late parents, Rosa and Bill Corbett, were her biggest teachers about dementia, leading to her starting Dignified Minds. Photo / Denise Piper

It also didn’t stop him from taking his pills when he needed to - he simply took them, then would forget five minutes later, she says.

Maria says the six years she spent helping look after her parents with dementia in their own home was like looking after teenagers - they often didn’t want to shower and couldn’t make meals for themselves.

“It was quite stressful. Over those almost six years, I learnt a lot because my sister and I had no idea”.

While Bill was sometimes angry, anxious and confused - including having vision problems - Rosa was happy and joyful, she says.

Both ended up having to go into care, when it became too hard to keep them in their own home.

Maria Nicol says her mother Rosa Corbett was mostly happy when living with dementia and thought she was on holiday when she had to go into care. Photo / Denise Piper

By this stage, they had very little awareness of where they were, with Rosa often standing in her own kitchen and saying “I want to go home”, Maria says.

“They couldn’t be together [in the end]. Dad lost the love of his life and he was devastated but Mum absolutely loved it - she thought she was on holiday.”

Maria also ended up working in the same rest home, as a part-time diversional therapist.

“At the rest home I thought I knew what I was doing and I fell flat on my face because I found out what worked for Mum and Dad didn’t work for anyone else. I realised everyone with dementia is so different.”

Maria also worked for Alzheimers Northland as a support worker, and it was there she started doing dementia education for the likes of carers.

Realising this was her niche, she started Dignified Minds in 2021, with the aim of showing people what it is like to walk in the shoes of a person living with dementia.

As the population ages and more people have dementia, Maria hopes everyone will learn more about the condition and how to make situations more comfortable for patients, even if it involves telling a “loving lie”.

Denise Piper is a news reporter for the Northern Advocate, focusing on health and business. She has more than 20 years in journalism and is passionate about covering stories that make a difference.