The conversations you don’t want to have with your parents - but you should

Many families later express regret about not discussing death, dying and the future with loved ones before they pass. Photo / 123rf

By Alexia Santamaria of RNZ

When Sarah Peterson’s father, Michael, passed away from acute myeloid leukaemia just eight weeks after his diagnosis, she and her brother were left in a whirlwind of grief and pain.

Honouring his wishes, there was no funeral, service, or gathering of any kind - just a cremation with no one present the morning after he died.

Having been through the end-of-life process before, the siblings opted for a lawyer to help them with the probate process on a 50-year-old will that was no longer valid and more recent versions that had not been signed. While they did their best in this heartbreaking situation, they definitely have some regrets.

“While we are glad we honoured his wishes, I wish I’d asked dad for his blessing to hold some kind of farewell,” Sarah Peterson (not her real name) says.

“Not being able to hear stories about him and the shenanigans we know he got up to - or to share that moment of goodbye with others left a gap I wasn’t prepared for.”

No one wants to think about losing their parents. It can feel easier to avoid the hard conversations about wills, power of attorney, bank accounts, even funeral songs. But putting these conversations off does not stop the inevitable - and not having them can lead to deep regret.

Toni Hancock, clinical nurse specialist for Hospice West Auckland, has seen it all after 30-plus years working with people who are dying.

Putting the tough conversations off does not stop the inevitable. Photo / 123rf

“Sometimes it’s like people don’t want to have those conversations because they almost think they might jinx something or make the death come earlier.”

Hancock and her colleagues gently encourage families to understand that decisions must be made quickly after someone dies.

“It’s so much easier if families can have those conversations beforehand. It takes some of the stress out of those really hard days.”

Hospice specialist palliative care nurse Grace McMonagle says culture can play a significant role in these conversations.

“Some cultures have superstitions around talking about death; some appoint the eldest son as the decision-maker, and others prefer collective decision-making over individual wishes. These are all things to discuss sooner rather than later, especially if multiple cultures are involved.”

She recalls a Samoan woman who didn’t want a traditional Samoan funeral because of the cost to her children.

“In that case, we needed to bring a church elder and the family together to work through it.”

Money matters

Sorting out finances after someone dies is a lot easier if they have made arrangements beforehand. The cost of a funeral is far from the only financial issue.

“It’s so much easier if families can have those conversations beforehand. It takes some of the stress out of those really hard days.” Photo / 123rf

“We really encourage people to talk about finances, as we’ve seen families left with debts that mean they can’t even pay rent and have to move out right in the middle of their grief,” says Hancock.

The deceased estate process starts when the person’s bank is notified of a death. The bank stops accounts until the appropriate documents are provided and the estate can be sorted out. Once that is done, the bank will close the accounts and release funds but will only accept instructions from someone who has the authority to administer the estate (note, even if you have an enduring power of attorney, this ends on someone’s death).

“We often see this get tricky when it’s not a joint account,” says Hancock. “Funds are sometimes frozen until things are sorted out, sometimes leaving a spouse without money in the meantime.”

The all-important will

The Public Trust, a Crown entity that is New Zealand’s largest provider of wills and estate administration services, advises that if someone dies without a will and has assets worth more than $15,000, their loved ones may have to navigate a lengthy process to determine how those assets are divided.

Lawyer Linda Muller, of GM Legal, has seen this more than once.

“If you don’t have a will, the family have to pick a member to become the administrator, which is the equivalent of an executor under a will.

“If you can’t agree on who, then more than one person may apply, and that can become a whole - very long - process. We’ve seen all kinds of really stressful situations when things weren’t decided ahead of time, and the families can’t agree.”

It’s not just about houses and the contents of bank accounts - wills can be useful for instruction on the distribution of sentimental items like who will get Nana’s Temuka dinner set or other family taonga.

There can be confusion between family members on how best to farewell their parents. Photo / 123rf

Funerals

Mike Powell, general manager of Davis Funerals, says he regularly sees people trying to combine the wishes of the dead person with their own needs.

“We often say that funerals are for the dead and the living, so it’s great if people can not only work out what they want while they are still alive but also discuss it with their family to make sure everyone agrees before the time comes.”

Powell says the more you can talk about it with your parents while they’re still healthy in mind and body, the better. In more than a decade in the industry, he’s seen a myriad of disagreements and confusion between families on how to farewell their parents.

“It’s so much easier for the family when the choices on caskets, flowers, music, rights or rituals, food or number of guests have all been made before the person passes - as they know they are doing the right thing.”

Funerals aren’t mandatory after someone dies. Many people use a funeral director or funeral home because of their experience and knowledge of the process, which can take a lot of the stress away. But if the funds aren’t there, some choose cremation and hold a service at home, catering it themselves and scattering the person’s ashes somewhere meaningful (check on your local council website about where this is permitted).

If you go through a funeral services company, there are some mandatory costs: a professional service fee, a casket (of some sort, even for a cremation), a transfer fee and a doctor’s fee. The rest depends on what you are doing as a send-off, and could include a mortuary fee, hearse fee, death certificate fee or costs for death notices, celebrant, webcasting and photo tributes. The Funeral Directors Association website gives a good run-down of the actual costs.

Resources to help you structure conversations with your parents:

Te Whatu Ora’s advanced care planning

Public Trust - New Zealand’s largest provider of wills and estate administration services

Work and Income funeral grant

Alexia Santamaria is an Auckland-based freelance journalist.

- RNZ