A reasonably major medical procedure is looming over me right now and it's freaking me out.
The main issue, I think, is that I have had far too much time to think about it.
At 22 weeks of pregnancy, a scan revealed a condition called placenta previa - our baby's placenta was growing across the exit point. It's relatively common, and most grow out of the way, allowing for a regular birth.
But, we were told early on that our third child would most likely be born via my first c-section, probably a couple of weeks early.
And here we are at 36 weeks, not far from D-day, or rather "C-day", and there is only one way forward: If I go into labour, myself and/or the baby could die.
With our first two babies, now aged almost 6 and 3, I had procedures to remove their placentas.
This isn't typical but is common enough. In those situations, we just went along with it. It was what needed to happen, there wasn't a lot of time to worry much or think about it.
This time, I have had four months of thinking about it, worrying about the ramifications, pondering the "what-ifs", trying to plan what needs to happen for the likes of childcare for our other two in the many different potential scenarios.
A few days ago, I signed the surgical consent forms in which I was informed of all the worst-case scenarios.
I didn't need to read them, I knew the risks.
Besides, it doesn't matter anyway. When you cut to the chase, I have just two choices: Sign the forms, or die.
I'm an anxious person. A complete "worst case scenario" worrier. Always have been, probably always will be.
Instead of brushing over these risks and leaving them as the small percentage risks they are, I obsess about the worst stuff happening.
I know this is mostly just stuff the doctors have to inform you of. Yet, the risks dancing around my head are:
• A painful and/or long recovery time
• High blood loss and/or transfusion
• Needing a hysterectomy
• Blood clots afterwards
• Paralysis from the spinal needle
• Pain from the spinal needle not working
• Our baby being harmed in some way
• The risks of a general anaesthetic if some of the above occur
Oh, and let's not forget the big one:
It is strange and terrifying handing over control of your life to people who are undoubtedly amazing at their jobs but are people you don't know, have probably never met, and who hold not just my life, but our baby's life and, potentially, our future quality of life in their hands.
Of course my worry is pointless, because I don't have any control over any of it and if anything, all it does is cause more stress earlier than necessary. But here we are.
Any tips on how to manage a manic mind are most welcome.