One of the more curious things about marriage equality is the assumption that because two people of the same sex are married, they therefore must also want a family.
I'm going on 33 years old and if I wanted kids, now would be the time to get serious.
Understanding the difficulties we could face, I'd need get my A into G and talk to my husband about surrogacy, adoption, fostering, and all the other options available to same-sex couples.
However, we decided a while ago that we didn't want to spend our thirties chasing a dream we weren't even sure we wanted. I've thought children would be in my future in the past, but now I know I don't want them anymore.
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This is a strange omission as, even as a gay couple, society looks down on you for not wanting children. This is much more so if you're a woman, but I feel the judgement too when I speak to friends (with children) who can't understand why I don't want their life.
"But you'd be such good dads" is the most common response. I agree, I think I would make a pretty decent father. I think my husband and I would raise good human beings.
However – and this is why people are upset with those who don't want kids – that's not the future I want. I want my life to be about me. I don't want to follow everybody else's trajectory and perhaps lose myself in the midst of trying to bring up another person.
I don't want to deal with the nightmare of travelling on planes with children, or having a house littered with toys, or pretending to enjoy repetitive conversations with 8-year-olds, or spending hours every day washing up after little people who don't appreciate you.
See, when you voice out loud why you don't want kids, you sound like an awful person. Even I judge myself for being so selfish.
I have a couple of gay friends here in Wellington whose model we could follow, were we interested in being parents. They donated sperm to lesbian friends and now have a co-parenting situation whereby the kids have essentially four parents and more love to go around than I've ever seen before.
The kids stay over on various nights and everyone plays an active role in their upbringing (and the decisions about their futures), but because there are four adults involved, each still has a lot time "off" from the trials and tribulations of 24/7 parenthood.
I'm not going to say this arrangement doesn't somewhat interest me. Truth be told, my mates make parenting look easy and fun. They get all the good bits and there are four people to cover the hardships.
Yet I don't see my future playing out around other people, except my husband of course.
I want to maintain the ability to travel (and even move cities) on a whim. I want to spend money without too much worry, enjoy late nights out with friends, and be well-slept. I want to be able to go on a spontaneous date night without having to think about a babysitter.
I want to have one-too-many drinks and not worry about those at home waiting up for me. I want to own a nice couch, some designer clothing, and maintain pristine white walls in my house. I fear that this is all too much to ask, if I were a parent.
I almost feel fortunate that, as a homosexual, biology isn't on my side for parenting and my excuse is more easily accepted by others.
For heterosexual couples in the same boat as me – those who desire the same lifestyle I do – they will be questioned again and again throughout their lives about children. They will be judged for not having them, and then, looked down upon for "leaving it too late" to change their mind.
I'm sure kids are great. I hope everyone out there who has them is happy with the choice they've made. Yet they're not for everyone, and I'm stoked to go through the rest of my thirties confidently knowing they're definitely not for me.