A 'don't get drunk at work events' is a good policy. Photo / Margeaux Walter, The New York Times
“Don’t get too drunk at work” is a good rule. Don’t let co-workers convince you to break it.
I recently started a new job I’m excited about, doing good work. As part of the job, I am asked to host or attend dinners, parties and after-hours events several nights a week, often with my team. I’ve maintained a firm “don’t get drunk at work events” policy for many years now, but I’ve found that my boss and others on my team are heavy drinkers and keep late hours. Events with a scheduled end time of 9:30pm will often drag on until 2 or 3 in the morning. When we work late, we don’t start late; we’re expected to be in the office at 9am. The late nights involve more than hanging out; I left a recent event around 10:30pm, only to learn I’d missed a consequential conversation. The result? I feel behind, I lack context and I’m borderline resentful.
As a new employee, I’m inclined to create strong boundaries and be extra protective of my time. At the same time, it matters to me to build trust and spend time with my colleagues, and I don’t want to be a bad sport. In every other way, this job is a superb fit, and I’d like to put down roots here. How can I ride the line? - Anonymous
Having to work all day and party with colleagues all night sounds pretty miserable. Of course you’re feeling resentful. Most people would in your position. Clearly, this kind of socialising is an important part of this company’s work culture but it isn’t sustainable if you aren’t a hard partyer or want to have any kind of personal life outside of work. Your inclination to have strong boundaries and protect your time is a good one. You have to reconcile that doing so may come at a cost in that sometimes you will miss consequential conversations.
I imagine you can find a workable balance between protecting your time and participating in these after-hours activities once or twice a week. As you become more established, look for opportunities to suggest alternatives to these after-hours activities. Can any of these networking events take place during the traditional workday? Can some of those activities take place without heavy drinking? Regardless, your “don’t get drunk at work events” policy is a good one. Don’t abandon it.
A male friend and former co-worker and I (a woman) have a very cordial relationship where we discuss our salary and other work-related matters. A position at my current employer opened that was a good fit for his skill set. I recommended him and he got the job. Even though we now have the same type of position, same years of experience and almost identical résumés, he is making US$60,000 more than I am. Adding insult to injury, our résumés only differ because I have a master’s degree and several designations relevant to my industry while he does not.
I brought this up with our boss and was told that I accepted a fair offer the year prior and I shouldn’t concern myself with what other people make. Before my friend was gracious enough to share his compensation, I was otherwise content in my job. Now knowing this information is eating me alive. Short of contacting an employment attorney, I am wondering what recourse I have. - Anonymous
Unfortunately, when you demonstrate to employers that you’re willing to work for less than you deserve, they will let you do exactly that. You’ve done what most people would recommend — talked to your boss, and your boss responded as I would expect a manager would, with a cop-out. When you are making so much less than a colleague who is a peer, that is absolutely your concern. And the disparity is criminal. You could revisit the conversation with your boss and ask what you need to do to receive a substantial raise, but that seems like a dead end.
Now you have to decide whether or not you can stay at this company knowing what you know. I’m guessing you cannot, which means you want to start to look for a new job. In the future, when you receive a job offer, do as much research as you can about compensation and advocate for yourself, vigorously.
If you want to pursue a legal case, you do have some recourse. The federal Equal Pay Act affords you the right to receive equal pay for equal work in the same workplace; the New York Pay Equity Law is similar. If you pursue and win a lawsuit, you may receive back pay and other damages. But there is always a risk in going the legal route, from the financial costs to how it might affect your professional standing. I hope you are able to find a way forward that serves your best interests.
I’m a 52-year-old marketer three months into a new, exciting and entirely remote senior role. I’m by far the oldest person on my team. My younger boss and other key team members constantly Slack message me during Zoom meetings. Sometimes the Slacks are insightful comments that help me understand a bigger picture and sometimes they’re snarky (or somewhat funny) comments meant to alleviate the mood. Either way, I’m incapable of reading Slacks while listening in meetings.
Sometimes my boss will Slack me that “this would be a good opportunity for you to chime in about X,” but I’m so busy reading or responding to her and others’ Slacks that I’ve lost the context of the conversation. I often feel like I’m dropping the ball because I can’t follow along.
I also think it’s rude to sit there clearly typing, but I’m obviously in the minority. I also feel an expectation to respond to Slacks from my boss while I’m in Zoom meetings with other people, given that it’s obvious that other people do. Am I the only one who finds it hard to converse on Slack while following along with another presentation?
What can I do, besides completely ignoring all messages sent during meetings? I feel odd bringing it up with my younger boss, as I don’t want to look “old” and out of touch. - Anonymous
I don’t think struggling to keep up with Zoom and Slack at the same time makes you old or out of touch. It’s a lot to manage. Or perhaps I am showing my own age. You are not alone in your struggle. It’s a lot to manage when you’re working across platforms simultaneously. Honestly, I would just bring it up with your boss.
If people think you’re out of touch, that’s their misapprehension. There are worse things. If you want to figure out a better way to manage it all, try sizing the windows so that you can see both simultaneously, the same way you might follow a Zoom chat during a Zoom meeting. And give yourself some more time to get accustomed to this way of working. You’ve been in the position for only three months.
With holidays approaching, our small work team is planning a holiday lunch … that I am dreading. I’m not feeling the love within my hybrid team. I’m experiencing targeted passive-aggressive behaviour such as ageism and isolation.
I am also being actively recruited by other departments. I believe I can better use my talents and energy elsewhere. I respect my team, even if they have terrible people skills. It’s been a rough 2 1/2 years, and I try to give these folks the grace we all deserve. Even so, we lost three co-workers this past year because of the cliquey, toxic workplace. What advice do you have for getting through this first in-person holiday lunch with a less-than-cordial team? - Anonymous
As I’ve written in this column before, I hate mandatory fun at work. At the same time, I recognize the importance of collegiality and holiday celebrations as a way to bond as a team and acknowledge the festive season. Why not just skip the lunch? Life is too short to socialise with people you don’t like, even at work. If you do attend, try to focus on what you do respect about your colleagues. Steer clear of toxic discussions as best you can and focus on celebration and conviviality.
I hope it works out and you find a team with whom you can feel the love.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Roxane Gay
Photographs by: Margeaux Walter
©2022 THE NEW YORK TIMES
If you need a break from the slopes or don’t fancy a ski, there’s still a lot to do this.