NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

How Facebook could be threatening your romantic relationship

By Sam Carr
Other·
28 Jun, 2016 06:40 AM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

It would be simplistic to suggest that technologies such as Facebook cause romantic insecurity. Photo / iStock
It would be simplistic to suggest that technologies such as Facebook cause romantic insecurity. Photo / iStock

It would be simplistic to suggest that technologies such as Facebook cause romantic insecurity. Photo / iStock

Deciding whether technology is "good" or "bad" can be like trying to decide the same thing about food. That is, it's pretty obvious that it's good in some ways and bad in others. But we need to be mindful of both as we tumble deeper into a digital age.

Some argue that technology has an immensely positive influence on our closest relationships. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg claims that "when people are connected, we can just do some great things. We have the opportunity to bring the people we care about closer to us. It really makes a big difference."

This is true. But we shouldn't be too quick to generalise. Technology can also have a toxic effect on intimate relationships, one of which is Facebook's own potential to exacerbate romantic insecurity.

The key features of insecurity are mistrust in a partner's loyalty and fidelity; a deep rooted fear that they will abandon us, and a hyper-vigilance or awareness of potential threats to the relationship. It's our psychological response to the fact that, on some level, life's cruelest paradox is that those we love the most could (and often do) hurt us most deeply.

Insecurity can be a pervasive and enduring trait in some people but it can also vary in response to triggers (real or imagined) that heighten it.
It has been well established as a driving force behind relationship conflict and disharmony because people are compelled to cope with it by seeking unreasonable levels of certainty, exerting excessive control, and punishing significant others for perceived wrongdoings.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

It would be simplistic to suggest that technologies such as Facebook cause romantic insecurity. People were insecure long before social media came along.

But it is important to explore how insecurity is intensified or shaped by a social media platform that facilitates an unprecedented degree of fusion between partners' social networks.

Facebook - which started life comparing the appearance of Harvard students - gives couples access to multiple features of their partner's social life. This includes a visible list of "friends" (raising questions such as "Why is he friends with her?", "Why is she still in touch with her ex?"); documented public interactions with such "friends," and pictures, comments, likes, and posts, each of which can be all too easily surveyed and scrutinised.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

This can serve as excellent fodder for the insecure mind that is hyper-vigilant to potential relationship threats.

A recent anthropological study revealed that some young people are indeed finding that Facebook permits a level of access to partners' social interactions that fans the flames of romantic insecurity to uncomfortable levels.

One participant told of her reaction to seeing that her boyfriend had written a message in Italian to a girl on Facebook.

Suspicious that she was being cheated on, she used translation software to understand the words, spent two hours "Facebook stalking" the mystery girl to find out what she looked like and who her friends were, and then eventually realised that, in fact, her "rival" had a boyfriend of her own. At this point, the suspicious girlfriend decided to stop using Facebook.

Discover more

Opinion

How to survive a mid-life crisis

27 Jun 01:32 AM
Lifestyle

Husband rates wife's perfomance

27 Jun 03:45 AM
Lifestyle

Japanese women urged to wear heels

27 Jun 05:16 AM
Media and marketing

Facebook changes its news feed formula

29 Jun 06:40 PM

The same study highlighted that young people felt confused and conflicted about whether they were actually insecure people in the first place, or whether Facebook had played a major role in generating their insecurity.

Insecurity settings

Many suggested that insecurities frequently arose over issues they simply would not (and should not) have known about, had they not had a platform for such pervasive scrutiny and surveillance of their partner's social lives.

One contributor commented: "I couldn't decide whether it was the fact that I checked Facebook that triggered my not trusting him, or I already didn't trust him, and Facebook just perpetuated it."

Larger studies have supported the idea that Facebook seems to bring out the green eyed monster, arguing that it exposes people to ambiguous information about their partner to which that they wouldn't otherwise have had access.

One of the fundamental ways that technology has changed society is by facilitating our surveillance of one another. It has been argued that we are now firmly living in an age of surveillance. But there must be a line, beyond which we pay a price for such a high degree of surveillance, such as human rights infringements and excessive invasion of privacy.

Facebook delivers a language of surveillance into the realms of young people's relationships, changing how people relate. Some are finding that there is a line to be drawn here too, and that the psychological cost of excessive access to romantic surveillance includes a thriving sense of insecurity.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

- The Conversation

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

Advice: My wife has kicked me out of bed to make room for the dog

09 Jul 08:00 PM
New Zealand

'They burned me': Auckland woman scarred after facial treatment at beauty clinic

09 Jul 05:00 PM
Premium
LifestyleUpdated

Society Insider: Have Harts expanded yacht fleet, and who was British lord living anon in NZ?

09 Jul 05:00 PM

Get your kids involved in your reno

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Recommended for you
AI giant Nvidia makes history as first $4 tn company
Companies

AI giant Nvidia makes history as first $4 tn company

09 Jul 08:13 PM
Police seize gun, $20k, and cocaine in drug raid
Bay of Plenty Times

Police seize gun, $20k, and cocaine in drug raid

09 Jul 08:13 PM
X CEO steps down amid controversy over AI chatbot comments
Companies

X CEO steps down amid controversy over AI chatbot comments

09 Jul 08:09 PM
Watch: Close call as ute nearly hit by heritage train
New Zealand

Watch: Close call as ute nearly hit by heritage train

09 Jul 08:00 PM
All Blacks team naming: Scott Robertson picks side for second test
All Blacks

All Blacks team naming: Scott Robertson picks side for second test

09 Jul 08:00 PM

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Advice: My wife has kicked me out of bed to make room for the dog

Advice: My wife has kicked me out of bed to make room for the dog

09 Jul 08:00 PM

Telegraph: Who's the b****? That depends on what happens next, says Rachel Johnson.

'They burned me': Auckland woman scarred after facial treatment at beauty clinic

'They burned me': Auckland woman scarred after facial treatment at beauty clinic

09 Jul 05:00 PM
Premium
Society Insider: Have Harts expanded yacht fleet, and who was British lord living anon in NZ?

Society Insider: Have Harts expanded yacht fleet, and who was British lord living anon in NZ?

09 Jul 05:00 PM
Premium
My weight ballooned after I gave up drinking - here’s how I finally quit both addictions

My weight ballooned after I gave up drinking - here’s how I finally quit both addictions

09 Jul 06:00 AM
Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP
search by queryly Advanced Search