Is it okay to go travelling without your spouse? Photo / Getty Images
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My husband and I have both now retired and are fortunate to be financially well off. Because we prioritised family and careers we’ve done very little travel in our lives. Now that we have the time and money I’m desperate to get out and see the world but he isn’t interested. He’s told me he’s happy for me to go without him but when I recently took a short trip with a girlfriend he complained about missing me and didn’t ask me any questions about how the trip went. I still want to travel but not if it’s something we can’t share together. What’s the best solution for both of us? - Keryn
Dear Keryn,
It’s always tricky when our partner says one thing and apparently does another. If he couldn’t follow through on being happy for you to travel without him, that bears exploring.
It sounds like you have had a long and successful life together. How have you dealt with conflicting interests and preferences in the past? Do you have the skills to hang in there with each other without making the other wrong because they are different? Or have you avoided conflict by leading relatively separate, parallel lives? Couples who have managed to avoid forming the all-important “strong team” approach to relationships can run into serious issues they can no longer avoid in retirement as their lives become far more intertwined.
If you have a record of side-stepping disagreement, your skills in sorting out a direct conflict such as this may be rusty or underdeveloped. Often, if we lack experience or confidence in resolving differences in our relationships, it’s common for us to try the easiest solution, e.g. travelling without him. The good news is that these skills are learnable (at any age). The bad news is that, like most new learning, it’s initially uncomfortable to enter into conflict rather than avoid it.
If your husband is simply immovable and feels entitled to ignore your desires and needs if they don’t conform to his own, this new learning becomes urgent. This is a deeper issue that will likely cause significant problems over the years to come. If this pattern has been part of your relationship, you are likely in the habit of accommodating his intransigence. It would not be wise for you to continue this style of relating if you want to have an enjoyable retirement together.
Learning to resolve differences collaboratively, where no one is compromised, is essential for a harmonious life in close proximity. Many people who have been appeasers and accommodators stop being willing to give pieces of themselves away to keep the peace. If you don’t want the latter stages of your life dominated by conflict and discontent, new relationship skills must be learned.
However, if you’re clear that his behaviour, in showing no curiosity or care for you (as opposed to the new places that he’s already said hold no interest for him), was out of character, then that needs discussion.
If he usually shows interest in your life separate from him, this may signal that things are not all okay with him. Is he struggling to adjust to retirement? Is it time to talk more deeply about how he is going with retirement in general? Expressing concern for how he is going in this new stage of life may be the most appropriate response.
Many men rely on their working lives to meet all their social needs and feel a bit friendless when they retire. This can see some men in retirement looking to have all their needs for social contact and companionship thrust on their partner. This is not wise in any relationship at any life stage.
What does he like to do? How does he want to spend his retirement? Does it involve social connection? Does he have old friends? Or friends who share his interests? If he is fit and well, it’s essential that your partner has his own life and social support.
On the other hand, if your lives were very separate before retirement and it was a pattern for him to know little about many of the things you do or to show interest in them, this may point to an area that needs development or strengthening. He doesn’t need to be interested in the same activities as you but expecting him to show interest in you and how you feel about things is reasonable.
To focus on the travel issue specifically, in what way is your husband not interested in seeing the world, we wonder? Unpacking this, fully understanding it, and then exploring in equal detail why sharing travel with him is important to you may be very helpful.
When you state that you want to travel more but not if it is something you can’t share with your husband, it suggests you are not as accepting of his refusal to travel as you had thought. Perhaps you want to persevere with trying to find a way to share these experiences. Expecting your partner to stretch a little about something important to you is reasonable unless there are insurmountable barriers. Seeing it as a lost cause when you have not delved into it would be a dangerous abandonment of self that can breed resentment. Of course, you should also expect to be willing to do the same for him about his interests.
See if there is a creative way to travel that minimises what he objects to. For example, some people hate flying and the hassle of constantly moving and packing and unpacking. For them, a cruise may be something they could consider. Or perhaps his working life involved a lot of staying in hotels – so renting a lovely home or staying with friends would have more appeal.
Or it may be that when you look at his concerns, they are things you can reassure him about or are more fear-based than reality. For example, if he had one bad experience 20 years ago. In that case, you can gently encourage him to try to experience that his fears are not a reality.
Have you tried tying travel into his interests? Currently, there are many couples in France where one partner has no interest in the Rugby World Cup. It may not result in your top choice of travel, but it may be a way to have some of what you want and share some of your wanderlust with him.
Working out what new experiences to add to your retirement is important for your overall well-being. In her excellent book, Spirited Ageing, NZ author Juliette Batten speaks of the positive power of trying new things, change and growth as we age. This can provide a powerful inoculation against stagnation and retrenchment in life in retirement.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
Lewis ran for mayor in Hamilton and Auckland. Earlier, she streaked at All Blacks game.