"I agree their rules are rigid, but I’ll walk over hot coals to see my daughter and grandchildren." Photo / 123RF
Psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman answers a reader’s question about family estrangement.
Q: Last year, our daughter and her husband cut off contact with us because they said we weren’t respecting their boundaries with the grandchildren. Both my husband and I thought they were being overly controlling about television and food, so we pushed back. The result: she stopped talking to us for a year. It was painful enough to lose contact with her, but being cut off from my grandbabies was torturous.
Eventually, I apologised for not respecting their rules and promised to do better going forward. She immediately thanked me, welcomed me back, and since then, things have been going well. The problem is that my husband refuses to do the same and is angry at me for not standing with him. He insists he did nothing wrong, so why should he apologise. I agree their rules are rigid, but I’ll walk over hot coals to see my daughter and grandchildren. Now I have them back - but I feel like I’m losing my husband.
A: Situations like yours are more common than many realise. When adult children believe their parents won’t respect their boundaries - especially around raising grandchildren - estrangement can happen quickly. These conflicts are rarely about television or snacks alone. They represent a deeper struggle: a parent’s longing to advise and stay involved in their own way, and an adult child’s determination to set their own course.
In my work with estranged families, I’ve seen mothers and fathers respond very differently. Mothers are more likely to do whatever it takes to restore contact, including apologising and expressing a willingness to modify their behaviour. Fathers may resist, feeling insulted by the suggestion that they’ve done something wrong and need to revise their behaviour in the future.
Your husband’s stance also reflects a common marital belief: parents should always present a united front. That works well with young children, who might otherwise play parents against each other. But with adult children - especially ones willing to cut off contact - a united front often backfires. What feels like principled resistance to him may strike your daughter as a refusal to accept what she sees as reasonable limits and boundaries.
The truth is that every generation raises children differently. Grandparents often think their children’s rules are too rigid, and adult children often feel disrespected when their rules aren’t followed.
What’s new is the degree to which today’s adult children feel empowered to enforce their boundaries, even to the point of estrangement. That may feel extreme, but in today’s family culture one fact remains: they are her children, and she and her husband make the rules. Those rules are unlikely to change, and challenging them has already proved costly.
You’re also caught between two powerful loyalties: your grandchildren and daughter on one side, and your husband on the other.
Your daughter has shown she’s willing to cut contact if her rules aren’t respected. Your husband insists that apologising means surrendering. He also feels left behind because you reestablished the relationship - and resentful that you “chose her side”.
He’s carrying two kinds of pain: the hurt of feeling wrongly accused by your daughter and the hurt of feeling abandoned by you. From his perspective, you betrayed him; from yours, you saved the relationship for him and you. Both views make sense depending on where you stand - but only one keeps the door open to your daughter and grandchildren.
At present, your husband sees an apology as admitting fault. But in family estrangements, apologies are not about straightforward guilt or innocence. They’re about repair. An apology signals: I value this relationship enough to take responsibility for my part in the rupture.
You might tell him: “I understand why you feel like you would be caving to her demands, but this isn’t about who’s right. It’s about what works. My apology opened the door. Refusing keeps it shut. Let’s work on this together.”
An apology can also be reframed as an act of strength. It takes courage to admit that you have hurt someone, even unintentionally. It takes maturity to put a relationship above pride. Humility is not humiliation. What feels like “losing” to him is the only path to regaining his daughter and grandchildren.
- Acknowledge his hurt. Let him know that you understand how wronged he feels and that he loves his daughter and grandchildren.
- Clarify your intentions. Emphasise that your apology wasn’t about choosing sides - it was about keeping the family connection alive.
- Offer partnership. Suggest helping him draft a letter of amends where he acknowledges that he did cross her boundaries with her children and promises to not do that in the future. Even better would be for him to say that he can see how she and her husband felt disrespected and he’s sorry.
- Set boundaries in your marriage. Make clear that while you respect his feelings and are willing to help, you won’t allow his refusal to cost you the relationship with your daughter. You’re allowed to make different choices about how to respond to her.
- Consider couples therapy. Divisions like this can erode a marriage if left unresolved.
In today’s families, the power lies not in asserting authority, but in opening the door with love and compassion. Pride may protect our egos, but only humility protects our relationships.