Embarrassing moments

1. "A nurse was testing my eyesight and tells me to cover my left eye and read the letters off the poster, then cover the other eye," writes Angelina Salazar. "She then said: 'Okay now let's try both'. I was befuddled but my immediate reaction was to cover both my eyes. She and all the other nurses died of laughter ... 'I meant look with both eyes,' she said."

2. "I was doing a post-op check up. The surgeon told me his medical student daughter was shadowing him for the day and asked if it was alright if she sat in," writes Conner Davis. "I agreed. While he was out of the room, his daughter and I talked and flirted a bit. The surgeon then came back and put up my x-rays on the screen. I could identify what most things were except for one very large oddly-shaded region. I couldn't figure out what it was ... so I asked. 'What's that large blob?' He replied: 'Oh, that? That's just gas'." (Source: Quora)

Keeping the malapot boiling

1. My father had very little knowledge of anatomy. He would be driving my mother, sisters and others and when he saw a Volvo pass and he would say he'd love a ride in a "Vulva".

2. Dare I mention the time I used "excrement" for "increment" during oral argument in court? Maybe that malapropism says something about the quality of my argument.


3. An affidavit application contained the words by the female applicant that she had a "tubal litigation". Her lawyer was a male.

4. Musician friend died. His widow " ... really appreciated all the 'symphony' cards she received".

5. Friend hosting a barbecue worried about the weather said " ... those clouds are looking 'anonymous'."

6. Number One Son came home from Sunday School and announced that he had been learning about "Judas Asparagus".

7. The rector at a college where I worked had excellent written English, but sometimes got mixed up when speaking off the cuff. Two of the many I remember well were: "He is well-travelled - he has been twice around the 'bulb'," and "I wouldn't touch him with a 'bar of soap' ... (barge pole)."

Emergency Valentine's Day cards that aren't lame:

Send a link to someone you like.

. Or maybe

. Ok, so what about

. Or

? Or even

. I like


How to: Cutsey, vomitous breakfast ideas for Valentine's Days...(Just for hate watching, do not do this IRL)

Video: Shortland Street dealing with er, teen issues in the digital age...

Got a Sideswipe? Send your pictures, links and anecdotes to Ana at ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz