My to-do list for 2015 by Prime Minister John Key:
Remember that my smile is my greatest political weapon, the one that keeps me relatable to the common people who vote for me. Smile began to slip during election campaign but we are back in power now, so time to turn the frown upside down. Even though sometimes it hurts your face to smile all the time you have to remember John, that without your smile you are Muldoon Lite.
2: Go to as many Cricket World Cup matches as possible. It is important to be seen at sporting events John, because it shows you are both in touch with the common people (because you are sharing their love of sport) but also that you are a leader (because you are in the flash seat with the important people). Need to talk to advisors about wisdom of wearing orange Tui T-shirt just in case I catch the ball.
3: Go to as many Rugby World Cup games as possible. Like the Cricket World Cup only much more important because not just Indians and Australians making up global TV audience. Need to stress to public that it was under a National government that we won the last World Cup - forge psychological link to justify presence at whole tournament. Possibly try to sell me to public as AB good luck talisman? But potentially risky to tie AB fortunes to me personally because what if we lose in quarter finals like 2007? Mind you, that was Labour at the time so we can blame previous government for that. Must practice handshaking to avoid repeat of cock-up with Richie and French bloke last time.
4: Be seen as a global leader. Why wasn't I asked to walk through the streets of Paris against terrorism or whatever? When things like this happen I need to be one of the top five politicians people want to call to be at their thing - certainly in the top 10.
5: Sort out the Collins situation once and for all. The woman has more lives than a panther or similar large predatory cat. Need to find her a job that both satiates her need for power but also keeps her away from other humans - especially me. Minister for the Chatham Islands, maybe?
6: Play lots of golf with new friends of National Party. Good to meet new people because it makes me look like I'm getting out and about among the real people. Also good if real people also have large donations they want to make to National Party. Win/win situation I need to do more often. Also need to work on putting during quiet times in office.
7: Find more stuff to sell. Prisons? Police? If we could privatise Winz that would save me a lot of headaches.
8: Have team prepare lots of spontaneous Andrew Little put-downs for me to zing into Parliamentary debates. Surely with a name like Little there must be lots of material on offer. Must practise at home in front of the mirror to make put-downs look effortless and off-the-cuff.
9: Talk to Max about not calling me Papa J in social media.
10: Stay as far away from Cameron Slater as humanly possible. This goes for all forms of communication, not just walking the other way if he looms up in front of me. Above all do not have your photo taken with this man, John, even though having your photo taken is your favourite thing. Possibly talk to SIS (or the SAS) about a more permanent solution to the whale-in-the-room problem?
11: Work on new plausible deniability technique. Not remembering and claiming not to be in the room at the time is starting to arouse suspicion, so time for a change-up. Maybe try "it was none of my business so I wasn't paying attention" gambit? Upside is that it is human and relatable; downside is that it could be argued that as Prime Minister just about everything that happens in Government is my business. Yes this is unfair because there is a lot of business in a Government and a lot of that business is boring and therefore doesn't interest me, but it seems to be expected that I should know everything about everything all the time. Who am I? Superman? Sometimes this job sucks but I must man up and deal with that.
12: Come up with a whole heap of exciting and innovative policies that will make New Zealand a better place. Probably not important this soon after an election but if we can at least be perceived as talking about thinking about this sort of stuff then people seem to like that. This is good because then they're not shouting at me.
13: But above all, John: keep smiling.