Saturday, 20 August 2022
Meet the JournalistsPremiumAucklandWellingtonCanterbury/South Island
CrimePoliticsHealthEducationEnvironment and ClimateNZ Herald FocusData journalismKāhu, Māori ContentPropertyWeather
Small BusinessOpinionPersonal FinanceEconomyBusiness TravelCapital Markets
Politics
Premium SportRugbyCricketRacingNetballBoxingLeagueFootballSuper RugbyAthleticsBasketballMotorsportTennisCyclingGolfAmerican SportsHockeyUFC
NZH Local FocusThe Northern AdvocateThe Northland AgeThe AucklanderWaikato HeraldBay of Plenty TimesHawke's Bay TodayRotorua Daily PostWhanganui ChronicleStratford PressManawatu GuardianKapiti NewsHorowhenua ChronicleTe Awamutu Courier
Covid-19
Te Rito
Te Rito
OneRoof PropertyCommercial Property
Open JusticeVideoPodcastsTechnologyWorldOpinion
SpyTVMoviesBooksMusicCultureSideswipeCompetitions
Fashion & BeautyFood & DrinkRoyalsRelationshipsWellbeingPets & AnimalsVivaCanvasEat WellCompetitionsRestaurants & Menus
New Zealand TravelAustralia TravelInternational Travel
Our Green FutureRuralOneRoof Property
Career AdviceCorporate News
Driven MotoringPhotos
SudokuCodecrackerCrosswordsWordsearchDaily quizzes
Classifieds
KaitaiaWhangareiDargavilleAucklandThamesTaurangaHamiltonWhakataneRotoruaTokoroaTe KuitiTaumarunuiTaupoGisborneNew PlymouthNapierHastingsDannevirkeWhanganuiPalmerston NorthLevinParaparaumuMastertonWellingtonMotuekaNelsonBlenheimWestportReeftonKaikouraGreymouthHokitikaChristchurchAshburtonTimaruWanakaOamaruQueenstownDunedinGoreInvercargill
NZ HeraldThe Northern AdvocateThe Northland AgeThe AucklanderWaikato HeraldBay Of Plenty TimesRotorua Daily PostHawke's Bay TodayWhanganui ChronicleThe Stratford PressManawatu GuardianKapiti NewsHorowhenua ChronicleTe Awamutu CourierVivaEat WellOneRoofDriven MotoringThe CountryPhoto SalesNZ Herald InsightsWatchMeGrabOneiHeart RadioRestaurant Hub

Advertisement

Advertise with NZME.
World

Deborah Hill Cone: We all stuff up, it's how you make up for it that counts

7 Jan, 2018 04:00 PM5 minutes to read
Donald Trump spoke via a video monitor to journalists in the Brady press briefing at the White House. Source: The White House

Donald Trump spoke via a video monitor to journalists in the Brady press briefing at the White House. Source: The White House

By
Deborah Hill Cone

VIEW PROFILE

I behaved badly this week. I'm still not quite sure how it happened. One minute I was at home, making the first family dinner of 2018, getting beaten at Texas Hold 'Em, sprinkling pumpkin seeds on my watermelon, mint, feta salad, listening to Aldous Harding, dogs, kids, chaos. Nek minnit I was being a prize arsehole.

How did I go from one place - jolly salad-making DHC- to the other, shrieking harpy DHC? It had something to do with a perceived slight, feeling unworthy, remembering childhood inadequacies (I'm 50, I know, isn't it time to get over that your father never loved you?). Scratch the surface of the middle aged woman who most of the time passes as a reasonably functioning member of society and I am still the scowly immigrant schoolgirl who felt like an outsider who never got good enough grades to please my father. And be warned if you might accidentally push those woe-is-me buttons. Because whammo, I'm straight back there. I lashed out with unwarranted harsh words. I was so disappointed in myself.

My family left in a huff and I went and sat outside in the dark and looked at the rain and felt ashamed and shitty (Pathetic fallacy right there).

I felt especially worm-eating because I really thought I'd got past this kind of behaviour. I thought I'd learnt not to be so emotionally reactive. I used to call these my "spinny fits". I thought I'd left them behind years ago, along with wearing that terrible perfume Poison and listening to Nirvana.

Advertisement

Advertise with NZME.

I meditate these days for goodness sake. (Cue pan flutes) I've done courses. I've done the therapy. I've put in the work. I know about emotional regulation.

Yet sometimes it still goes wrong. It's like you're sitting in a full bath and all of a sudden the plug comes out and the water is rushing down the plughole and you are desperately trying to put the plug back in. But it won't. Go. Back. In. (At least not on your own).

Normally when this happens, in the spirit of "if something is half broken break it properly" I just feel like I'm already so bad I may as well make it worse. Just keep digging. But this time I tried to just pause for a minute and stay curious. I tried not to condemn myself straight away and add a whole extra layer of shame and loathing on top of the original one. I tried to tell myself a different story.

So. This happened. I was very rude to my niece, and I need to apologise. It is not a sign that all is lost and I am a complete stuff-up and loser and all the work I have done has been for nothing. Maybe we all fall sometimes, but noticing that it has happened is the important thing. And then doing the repair.

You can't catch it every time. That is why it's called being triggered. Bang. You are hijacked by your unconscious. But once you do notice, then you can pause and maybe, this time, choose a different way to react. That is, deep breaths, when your PFC (pre frontal cortex) is safely back online.

So I apologised to my niece, who was generous and forgiving of her crazy aunt. I hope she knows it wasn't her, it was me. And I hope it won't happen again. But if it does, I hope I can catch it a little bit sooner next time. But it's hard. For all the talk of safe spaces, and trigger warnings, it still sneaks up on the best of us.

Related articles

Lifestyle

12 ways to lessen the grief of ageing

12 Nov 04:00 PM
Lifestyle

Deborah Hill Cone: 10 things for a teen girl

19 Nov 04:00 PM
Lifestyle

Deborah Hill Cone: Introvert's guide to Christmas

26 Nov 04:00 PM
Entertainment

Deborah Hill Cone: I'm so glad I'm not like Tina Brown

03 Dec 04:00 PM

I mean, the most powerful man in the world gets triggered and I'm not sure he even notices. Does he go and sit out on the deck at the White House and look at the rain? Does he try to stay curious? Sadly, I think he goes the other way. He just makes it worse. He goes on Twitter. That may make him the most dangerous man in the world. Power magnifies existing psychopathologies.

In a recent book The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 27 Psychiatrists and mental health experts assess a president distinguished psychologist Philip Zimbardo (creator of the famous Stanford Prison study) identifies Donald Trump as an "extreme present hedonist", which he says is the most unpredictable and perilous time perspective.

Advertisement

Advertise with NZME.

That means Trump will say or do anything at any time for purposes of self-aggrandisement with no thought of the future or effect of his actions.

"Impulsive thought leads to impulsive action and causes him to dig in his heels when confronted with the consequences of that action," Professor Zimbardo and his collaborator Rosemary Sword write.

So when Trump got caught out by Michael Wolff last week, Trump doubles down and declares he himself is a genius. (Is it even possible to be a "very stable" genius? I suspect not.) Well, I am not any kind of genius. I think I must have got born with kind of shitty brain chemistry to be honest. But I do know one thing Donald Trump doesn't seem to grasp. We all stuff up, but it's what we do after that which counts. It's all in the repair. Not just with others we have hurt, but the repair in how we forgive ourselves. And that can be even harder.

Advertisement

Advertise with NZME.

Latest from World

World

Finland's 'party PM' faces scrutiny for dancing intimately with star

19 Aug 07:15 PM
Premium
New Zealand

Editorial: Atmospheric river threatens of more to come

19 Aug 05:00 PM
World

'Millions of broken lives': Heartbreak and strength as Ukrainians forced from homes

19 Aug 05:00 PM
World

Female teacher's alleged sex acts on boys

19 Aug 06:44 AM
Premium
World

The bloody uprising against the Taliban led by one of their own

19 Aug 06:00 AM

Most Popular

Live: 'Unbelievable' wild weather - further flooding as heavy rain hits again overnight
New ZealandUpdated

Live: 'Unbelievable' wild weather - further flooding as heavy rain hits again overnight

19 Aug 07:25 PM
Wiggles in NZ: Wiggles star reveals life changing hospital encounter
Entertainment

Wiggles in NZ: Wiggles star reveals life changing hospital encounter

19 Aug 06:03 PM
Shamubeel Eaqub on 'stupid' inflation debate and how he'd fix poverty
Business

Shamubeel Eaqub on 'stupid' inflation debate and how he'd fix poverty

19 Aug 06:03 PM

Advertisement

Advertise with NZME.
About NZMEHelp & SupportContact UsSubscribe to NZ HeraldHouse Rules
Manage Your Print SubscriptionNZ Herald E-EditionAdvertise with NZMEBook Your AdPrivacy Policy
Terms of UseCompetition Terms & ConditionsSubscriptions Terms & Conditions
© Copyright 2022 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP