New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: Nine years ago, I moved in with my partner and her son. My two children, now 19 and 23, stayed with their mother, who lives two hours away. They visited us four days a month. My partner now objects to these visits: she says the kids are too old, too difficult – true, but not so much as to be relevant – and infringe on her privacy. I don’t think this is fair. We share all the costs of the house equally (mortgage, maintenance, utilities), and there’s plenty of space. I think my financial contributions entitle me to these visits. She hasn’t limited visits by her own college-age son – and neither would I. She suggests that I stay in an Airbnb with my children. But that’s expensive, and she isn’t willing to split the cost. We’ve had several heated arguments about this. Advice? – DAD
A: Something seems out of whack here. Yes, I understand your economic argument, that sharing household costs entitles you to guests. But that is not persuasive to your partner. (No sense in dwelling on a losing argument.) I’m more concerned about why your partner, herself the parent of a young adult, doesn’t seem to support your relationships with your own young adult children, who have been visiting for nine years now.
You mention, then dismiss, the idea that the children are difficult. But if their difficulty is aimed at your partner – if they are disrespectful or unkind to her – that may affect her openness to monthly visits. Then there’s the question of labour: if your partner is primarily responsible for cooking and cleaning, a burden that women often shoulder disproportionately and unfairly, that could play a role, too.
Now, these may not be the reasons for your partner’s objection. But keep asking calmly – and listening – until you hear something that makes sense. “Too old” to visit does not: your children don’t stop being your children when they turn 18. And asking you to rent an Airbnb in the same town where you live in a spacious home seems like a sharp rejection of your kids. (Does she get that?) So, keep talking – perhaps with a couples therapist – until you find a compromise that works for your blended family.
