Matt Heath has all the tips, guidelines and advice you need to make the most of another great Kiwi summer of live cricket.
It's summer again which means so many great things. Barbecues, holidays and increasing levels of nudity. It also means cricket, and there is no better way to enjoy the great game than live at the ground.
There, among the crowd, with the people you love and some you hate. As usual The Alternative Commentary Collective will be covering all the Black Caps home games this season.
We have spent a lot of time at the grounds over the past few years. Calling historic games from our crappy, stinky, broken down old no-rego-or-warrant caravan. This makes us experts on stadium etiquette, hacks and crimes. So here are the six key joys of watching cricket live at the ground.
There is no point in running nude through your own lounge in front of the TV. No one cares. If you're going to take your kit off, you have to do it at the grounds. But be sure to follow these three steadfast rules:
1. Full nude or nothing. Recently there's been the odd streaker in his undies. Not cool. A streaker's job is to entertain the crowd. If you're not fully nude you're just some punishing dude on the field.
2. Pick the right moment. There's plenty of downtime in a game of cricket. So don't be an idiot and streak when the bowler is steaming in. Do it in a drinks break or after a six has been hit.
3. Be prepared. Watching the cricket in the nude, or just your jocks is a long and proud Kiwi tradition. If you get nearly nude early there's much less admin when the time comes to run.
There is nothing like an Eden Park East Stand burn. The sun coming from the west during an ODI is nuclear. It will rip your flesh off. Fry you knees and ankles like bacon. They give out free sunblock these days so slip, slop, slap. Not that it will save you. I love that Eden Park Burn. It's as Kiwi as the kiwi. Unfortunately, due to the actions of a couple of selfish small-minded Eden Park neighbours, international cricket has pretty much been shut down at the park this year. Luckily you can get a horrible burn at nearly any ground in the country. A stadium burn makes you feel alive, it's patriotic and experts believe it can bring good luck to the team too.
There's no better place to abandon your kids than the cricket. While you enjoy a refreshing drink and some quality play, they can wander free. It's a completely enclosed, reasonably safe play area.
The ACC will be broadcasting all the Black Caps games live on iHeart Radio this summer.
Which is, of course, your No. 2 way to enjoy the game. But if you can make it to the grounds be sure to lap up the free babysitting, streaking, sunburn, banners, stupid sing-alongs and communal hat-wearing. Live cricket — it's the taste, feel and smell of the Kiwi summer.
Nowadays they put on great kids' entertainment. Inflatable nets, bats and balls. Abandoned half-eaten super dogs will keep them nice and full. Kids can entertain themselves all day at the cricket.
There is no point holding up a banner in your lounge. No matter how clever it is, no one but the missus is going to see it. You need to get along to the grounds. Rip the sheet off your bed and write something amusing on it. You will win the respect of friends, TV cameras and, if it's good enough, even the players.
Who can forget the great "Corey Corey Corey Corey Corey Corey Anderson" chant (sung to the tune of Culture Club's Karma Chameleon) of the 2015 world cup? What about Isn't He Lovely, the Trent Boult Song? Tim Southee's "Sexy Camel" to the tune of Rock the Casbah? Singing in support of the Black Caps brings joy to the world. Except of course security, who might want to beat you up and throw you out.
COMMUNAL HAT WEARING
Every year thousands of great New Zealanders turn up to the cricket in captain's hats. Nothing says "I love my national cricket team" more than nautical headgear. There's something about the shared communal experience of sitting in a crowd with thousands of others in the same stupid hat. Best of all, everyone looks great in them.
For information on Black Caps and White Ferns matches, go to
• To follow matches with the ACC, download the iHeartRadio app at iheart.com