My holidays: Ralph McCubbin Howell

Ralph McCubbin Howell and his partner Hannah Smith. Photo / Supplied

What was your greatest holiday?

After our first Edinburgh Fringe we collected all our takings in a sock and spent it on a road trip around the Scottish Highlands. We didn't have anything lined up afterwards, and our only commitment was to record a bunch of bespoke raps we'd promised to people who crowdfunded us to get there. We didn't have enough money in the sock to pay for accommodation, so we'd park up in laybys or quiet-looking fields, loudly rap into my laptop, and then sleep in the back seat of our hatchback. Terrible sleeping, excellent holiday.

And the worst?

When we went to Morocco people told us not to eat the salad. I ate the salad. I pooed my pants for the first time as an adult, shortly before a six-hour bus trip.

If we bump into you on holiday, what are you most likely to be doing?

Reading, writing, climbing hills. I really like going to strange museums (The Museum of Witchcraft and Magic in Boscastle's great, The Penis Museum in Reykjavik isn't). I'm not into lying on beaches.

If we could teleport you to one place in NZ for a week-long holiday, where would it be?

Golden Bay. See above. I am a man of contradictions.

How about for a dream holiday internationally?

Iceland. We spent 10 days there and it was great, but we didn't get to see the necropants because the museum was closed. Necropants are trousers made out of human skin. If you steal a coin from a poor widow and place it in the scrotum they're said to grant you endless money. I am not making this up. I really want to see those pants.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever done when travelling?

Once I left the passports in a baggage trolley at Sydney Airport. I didn't realise until half an hour later after we'd gone to get breakfast. Fortunately, they were sitting exactly where I'd left them. And I'd had breakfast. Je ne regrette rien.

Aisle seat or window seat?

Window, but only if you know the person you have to climb past to get to the aisle.

Complete this sentence: I can't travel without ...

... my collapsible coffee cup, because coffee is great and disposing of things is lame. Also, when people haven't seen them before it blows their minds and I feel like a wizard. I take them on planes, because when you're hurtling through the sky I feel the least you can do for the environment is to bring a reusable cup. (Shout out shame to Fuel Espresso at Wellington airport who have a no-keep cup policy. Get with the times, yo. #changethegovernment

Best travel tip?

Don't eat the salad.

Most memorable meal while travelling?

Once we got really hungry after going for a walk in Wales and went into a pub for a ploughman's. We ordered, and after an hour of waiting were just about to complain, when they brought us out a freshly baked loaf of bread and three whole cheeses each. We went back there again but it wasn't on the menu. I will never eat a better sandwich. I have peaked too soon.

What's the best thing you've brought back from a trip?

Necropants! Nah, jokes.

Favourite airport to land at?

Wellington. It's good to be home and, bonus, the pilots get applause for not crashing.

What's the next trip you've got planned?

We're taking our show The Road That Wasn't There to the Edinburgh Fringe in August, and then touring The Bookbinder to Sydney, via my sister's wedding in Canada.

Ralph McCubbin Howell appears in Trick of the Light's 'The Road That Wasn't There', on July 11-15 at the Herald Theatre, Aotea Centre.