Rugby: Wilson's angst too painful to bear

By WYNNE GRAY

From one headache to another. The pain will still be with Jeff Wilson today after his decision to dropkick rugby out of his life for a while.

His affliction will be physical today because the Highlanders held a drinking session in Christchurch after their Super 12 swansong and then regrouped a few hours later in Dunedin for another brewery bonding.

Wilson has spoken of the mental anguish he has been dealing with since his father's death in November 1998. Bill Wilson had been his mentor, his reality check, someone whose criticism he trusted, and those foundation planks for his sporting career had broken with his father's premature death.

His Super 12 season over, Wilson wanted time out to deal with the pain of his continual concerns, his lack of sporting enjoyment and what he wanted to do with his life.

That sort of insecurity, some suggest, has been a regular companion for the champion sportsman since his immense talents surfaced. At times a brittle edge to Wilson's character has been exposed since he became a double international when he broke into test rugby in 1993 in Scotland.

From the adulation and three tries that day it was tears the next week after his goalkicking went astray in the loss to England. There were the inconsolable moments after George Gregan's tackle in 1994 to save the Bledisloe Cup, the drama of the WRC spat which had Zinzan Brooke talking about him selling out his All Black mates, and then Wilson taking a break which he called "definitely escapism" in Canada.

Wilson has never quite seemed to be in consistent harmony with his peers. Sometimes he has appeared aloof, at others lonely, sometimes confused.

Often his play has been brilliant, but it has also been fragile, especially when he has played fullback or under the greatest pressure.

A brilliant schoolboy fullback, Wilson first played for the All Blacks in that position against Scotland in the 1995 World Cup and was average. He was worse in the wind at Toulouse when the All Blacks lost at the end of the year.

Back on the wing because of Christian Cullen's spectacular arrival, Wilson swapped places last year. He went well against moderate opposition but looked uneasy against very physical sides.

This season Wilson has not played up to his highest standards. He has been uncertain, tentative. He seemed distracted and either unwilling or unable to impose himself physically on matches. His All Black place had to be in jeopardy because of his lack of form and the push from Tana Umaga, Doug Howlett, Caleb Ralph and Jonah Lomu.

Wilson asked for and received his break from the game yesterday. For some, especially after his last, limp semifinal for the Highlanders, it will seem a convenient excuse to save Wilson the embarassment of being dropped from the All Blacks. Others point to Wilson's long-term angst.

"His father was his best mate, critic and an inspiration," said Wilson's manager, David Howman.

"Jeff was totally committed to the World Cup but the aftermath was the stimulus to him thinking about his life, and he wants some space to think things through in an uncluttered way. There was no specific time or incident which triggered the decision. It was an accumulation of things."

It is understood Wilson missed enormously the discussions he had with his father. He was Wilson's honesty board, the person who would say whether he had played like a goat or the gifted player he was.

Wilson trusted and believed in his father's judgment. He thought others offered platitudes or sycophantic assessments and never gave a true perspective of his play. He grew wary and, yesterday, tired of the whole scene.