The 2007 Rugby World Cup is almost upon us. For teams like the All Blacks it means years of training and selections will finally be put to test. For the fans it means years of talking crap about rugby can finally be put to rest, and for sports journalists such as myself it's a chance to shine above all others, and do the job you were put on this Earth to do. Only one man can fulfil all your World Cup journalistic needs, and that's me, so tune in to That Guy's World Cup.
That Guy's World Cup is the television extravaganza that will be your ears, eyes and gut feeling throughout the duration of this once- in-a-lifetime event. Actually it occurs every four years, but once in a lifetime sounds far more dramatic.
In a nutshell I will be hosting a show together with two icons of sports journalism, who hopefully won't need any introduction. However, just to be on the safe side, we will probably have clever name graphics underneath them, for the duration of the first three or four shows at least.
Together we will dissect the World Cup and make the viewer feel as if they are actually in France, sideline to all the action, which of course they won't be, because neither will we!
Our special guests will be put up in a hotel right here in Auckland, and for budgetary reasons we will probably be hosting the live show from their room. This has never been done before and it's a simple initiative dreamt up by myself, which has slashed hundreds of dollars off the budget, freeing up money to be spent in other areas, such as in-room movies and mini-bar.
Because we won't actually be in France this rugby discussion show will give the viewer a broader, more distant perspective on the games, the players and the continent of Europe.
This fact alone will allow us to give a more balanced outside view on this huge event. Many of the other sports telecasts are bound to get confused by the energy of actually being over there, their egos are likely to blind them to the facts that are staring them in the face, and in all likelihood, they will get carried away by actually having access to game footage.
This won't happen to us as we don't have access to any footage and as I have already mentioned we won't be over there! These two facts together ensure that our egos will be at an all-time low, completing the recipe necessary for pure, uncut sports journalism, the likes of which haven't been seen in New Zealand since the Top Town final in 1977.
So why aren't we over there like everybody else? The latest research we conducted clearly suggested that the last thing you want to be is too close to the action!
From our carefully chosen location in the Southern Hemisphere, my sports journalism team will be able to see the wood for the trees so to speak.
As many of you well know, it is far easier to criticise things when you don't really understand them, or when you haven't actually experienced them. It's this kind of mentality that we will bring to our broadcast, because not only will we be closely scrutinising the teams and the action, we will also be paying close attention to the quality of the other sports journalists. We will be rating the rival networks week by week, and will not be shy in coming forward when it comes to letting them know where they are going wrong, be it with their clichéd questions, their clothes, hair or even personal relationships.
At this point I would like to nip the rumour in the bud that the real reason I am not over in France during the World Cup is because of the infamous Venetian Blind Incident that dominated the media at the last World Cup in Australia. This is pure speculation. An inquest held after the event ruled that the Venetian blinds that collapsed on top of me during a question-and-answer session with Australian coach Eddie Jones, collapsed accidentally, and I was in no way responsible.
The report even went as far as to say that the fact that he had been using alcohol did not contribute in any way to the events that unfolded.
In other words we could be at the World Cup in France if we wanted to be, but for reasons of journalistic integrity we have decided to stay in New Zealand and contribute from back here. Be sure to tune in!