The annual sports awards you get without having to find a tie or wriggle into that favourite black skirt.
Overall winner, drum roll ... Brendon McCullum
Boy, New Zealand cricket coach Mike Hesson must fondly remember the almighty communication cock-up in a Sri Lankan hotel room two years ago. (Hesson wanted to strip Ross Taylor of the short-form captaincy but leave him as test skipper.) McCullum is doing a fine job in the test arena. His batting remains an enigma, but a triple century and two doubles in the calendar year are fantastic by any standards, let alone New Zealand's. Does this rate as better than the feats of superhuman All Black lock Brodie Retallick, shot put powerhouse Val Adams, etc, etc? Wouldn't have a clue - just wanted to get in on the award act.
Runner up ... Richie McCaw
He is a freak. After a zillion tests - and he plays 80 minutes in most - McCaw is always among the main influences, if not the main influence, in any game.
Second runner up ... Brodie Retallick
Another mainstream rugby recipient you say? Okay, I'm a traditional, middle-class, boofhead bloke brought up on football, cricket, rugby, league, tennis ... can't help it. Retallick pushes in scrums, does all that other tough stuff, then charges around like McCaw. Another freak.
Retallick on top of the world
Absolutely unbelievable achievement of the year ... William Trubridge
Freediver Trubridge has a plausible explanation for holding his breath in the deep, deep, deep for the length of time it takes Justin Marshall to explain ... just kidding, Justin. Trubridge is so matter of fact that while talking to him this year I thought, "Ooh, might give that a go - doesn't sound so hard." Trubridge doesn't do excitable, which is a good thing for free diving. He fell short in trying to break his own world record in the Bahamas - but just doing what he does is amazing enough. He's also a genuine save-the-planet type.
Team of the year
ITM Cup champs Taranaki. They've got more imports than an American America's Cup yachting team, but the provinces have to fight back somehow.
Bore of the year: league
League creates wonderful finishes and the Four Nations comp was great. But the NRL is dominated by coaches happy to preside over a tackle battle. The game is drowning in statistics, kicking, talk fests and PR-driven charity shows. League has become an error-eradicating mistake epitomised by Melbourne Metronome Cooper Cronk's exalted status. Give us the dazzling Shaun Johnson and his faults over Cronk types any day.
Mistake of the year: Taniela Tupou
Going to Australia to become a world-class rugby prop is like going to Qatar to learn how to build snowmen (or run a football World Cup). The Tongan Thor from Sacred Heart College was an overnight, internet-led sensation then he upped and left for Queensland. Prediction: He'll go backwards, literally.
Column of the year by a former star ...
Martin Crowe's plea on CricInfo - in the wake of Australian Phillip Hughes' death - for cricketers to quit vicious sledging and show each other more respect. Facing his own serious health battle, maybe Crowe has added insight into the meaning of life.
Too little too late champ ... new Warriors boss Jim Doyle
Finally, the Warriors got political on the city's most pressing sports issue, with Doyle publicly pushing for a waterfront stadium. Sadly it has come too late. Rugby is digging its toes in at rusty old Eden Park, the city has a nifty railway to pay for, etc, etc. Blues chief executive Michael Redman claimed the Eden Park/North Harbour Stadium combo "works well for us right now". Seriously? Redman sounded political, but not in a good way.
Stat of the year ... netball
The Silver Ferns still can't beat Australia without Irene van Dyk. It's been that way since February 1999.
Auckland losing the international speedway event. It was a terrific night out.
Lydia Ko award for knowing best
Goes to Lydia Ko. Dire predictions about the dangers of changing her coach appear unfounded.
Immigrant of the year ... Wellington Phoenix coach Ernie Merrick
The likeable Scot shops locally turning up gems from New Zealand's domestic league, notably Spaniard Albert Riera and this year Fijian international Roy Krishna.
Strangest spotlight ... Jeremy Brockie
The Phoenix striker, prone to goalscoring droughts, made more headlines about leaving the club than he did playing for them.
Ad campaign of the year
Steinlager's promotion of Trubridge's world record attempt put him in the public eye in a way that would not have happened otherwise.
Scatter gun awards
To all those Kiwis - Adams, Sam Webster, Lauren Boyle, Scott Dixon, Chris Wood, the Kiwis, Breakers, etc - who missed mention here.
A few overseas entries
Best Hollywood ... Luis Suarez
The Uruguayan star reacted like he'd been slugged with a dentist's bill after Italian Giorgio Chiellini jammed his wayward shoulder into the famous Suarez bite during the Fifa World Cup in Brazil.
Sorry, but just don't believe the Oscar Pistorius version of how his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp died. The five-year jail sentence on a culpable homicide verdict is severely lacking.
Weirdness of the year
Attempts at optimistic reports on former F1 ace Michael Schumacher's health from his team. They didn't even sound optimistic. Machines enable Schumacher to exist, just, after severe brain injuries from a skiing accident late last year. Tragic.
Citizen of the year
David Pocock, the Wallaby loose forward, is a unique sports character driven by causes other than his bank balance or bragging rights. Pocock and his partner refused to tie the knot till same-sex marriage was legalised. Now he's been charged after a coalmine protest - made on environmental grounds - and received a warning letter from the Australian Rugby Union. Which further suggests that life is more interesting and complex than how professional sport usually views it.