NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Politics

<i>Jim Hopkins:</i> Ignore the republicans Sir, come back any time

NZ Herald
21 Jan, 2010 03:00 PM5 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

The Supreme Court building enshrouded with symbolic pohutukawa branches, aka the &#34;tacky bits in front&#34;. Photo / Mark Mitchell

The Supreme Court building enshrouded with symbolic pohutukawa branches, aka the &#34;tacky bits in front&#34;. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Opinion by

CONFIDENTIAL BRIEFING DOCUMENT FROM: Hemi Te Hipkins Senior Cultural Policy Analyst Cultural Policy Section Ministry of Internal Affairs Wellington

TO: Flying Officer Wales "Somewhere in Australia".

TOP SECRET - NOT FOR PUBLICATION.

Just a brief note, Sir, giving you the debrief you requested vis-a-vis life in Outer Roa, land of
the long white fog. More on that shortly, but first of all, a big "Yo, dude" from all of us here.

The Cultural Policy Section is still buzzing with excitement. Gosh, you did well, Sir. We loved hosting you. Jasmine (the lady from the Cougar Party) is hoping you'll come back for the Sevens. After seeing you cuddle that Kiwi in Karori, she's told our kaumatuas she wants to come back as a flightless bird in her next life.

Speaking of flightless birds, you did a great job opening the Supreme's Court. (We're still humming, "Where Did Our Judge Go?")

You're right about the facade, too. If those tacky bits on the front really are "symbolic" pohutukawa branches then the sooner someone opens a "symbolic" timber mill next door, the better.

Dame Sian has asked me to pass on her regrets about that unfortunate incident in the gent's loos. Honestly, Sir, they really aren't called The Privy Council. Justice XX just thought you'd enjoy the jape. CPS (Cultural Policy Section) has reminded the judges that they're the ones working in a nut-shaped court and they wouldn't like it if toffs in London started calling their place the Nut Bar.

There will, of course, be a full investigation, Sir, as soon as the Judicial Review Commissioner's finished examining the conduct of the Supreme Court Judge who may have been "unconsciously biased" whilst hearing a case.

Such things are sent to try us. Not you, Sir, good heavens, no, the last person to attempt that sort of malarkey was Oliver Cromwell. And look what happened to him!

Apropos of which, you asked about the strength of republican sentiment in Outer Roa. Having abolished the Privy Council and opted for MMP, you thought we might be fizzing at the bung to go for the trifecta and appoint a downunder Putin.

Especially since one of our MP chappies, Keith Locke, "kept waving a placard telling one to sod off because he wanted a republic".

Pay him no heed, Sir. Keith was born miserable, full stop. There's a basic rule in politics here. Whatever Keith Locke wants, the rest of us don't. And whatever he doesn't want, the rest of us do. Simple as that.

Ignore the gloomy republicans, Sir. Most of us are happy to maintain 1000 years of tradition (or whakapapa as we usually call it here), especially since we basically get the lot on the cheap.

Kiwis love a bargain, Sir, and what we've got is a bit like belonging to a library rather than buying the book. We get a Governor General, a couple of posh houses, nice visits (like yours), the odd Speech from the Throne, your Gran's message at Christmas, and it all costs us about the same as the French pay for Mrs Sarkozy's posh frocks - and a lot less than the Yanks cough up to run Obama's chopper!

CPS believes we should have a binding referendum - on one condition. Those who vote for a republic, pay for it as well. But the rest of us don't have to. Which should mean Keith Locke and three of his melancholy mates will end up funding the whole fiasco.

Be assured, Sir, Kiwis like a no-frills, compassionate bloke like yourself. We were thrilled, before Christmas, to read of your great adventure, sleeping rough, out in sub-zero temperatures, identifying with the poor and needy, enduring driving rain, howling winds and deranged strangers accosting you. We have the same thing here, except we call it camping.

So there's a bond between us no disgruntled grizzler can sunder. We admire pluck in Outer Roa, Sir. We like a can-do chap. And we like ingenuity too - which you surely need to be a S & R pilot. We've got some pretty darned clever geezers in this neck of the woods, Will.

Most of us wouldn't know an algorithm if it bit us on the bum but everyone knows about those Weta wonders who did all the mind-blowing, jaw-dropping special effects for Avatar.

Shame we still can't land a plane in the fog at Wellington airport - 55 years after one of your Trident airliners made an automated landing in zero visibility at Heathrow - but that's bureaucracy for you, old son.

At least the weather didn't stop Air Force One or, as it's better known, Air Force Only One.

The rest are being sold on Trade Me by some shonky gunrunning shelf company - maybe they'll have landing beacons next. Well, Sir, that's about it from windy Wellington (aka "Where the fog's at"). We note you were greeted in Australia with "a traditional Aboriginal smoking ceremony". We have "traditional smoking ceremonies" here too, but only on the footpath. You should join us next time you're over - once the barbecue's over, of course.

LOL - Hemi.

P.S. They tell us you cooked Pita Sharples' steak at Premier House - shame we can't do the same for Hone's goose!

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Save

    Share this article

Latest from Politics

Premium
OpinionAudrey Young

Audrey Young: Bishop puts boot into councils as rates table reveals biggest hikes

Politics

'It’s inevitable': David Letele teases move into politics

Politics

Bill banning pay gag orders for workers likely to pass into law


Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Politics

Premium
Premium
Audrey Young: Bishop puts boot into councils as rates table reveals biggest hikes
Audrey Young
OpinionAudrey Young

Audrey Young: Bishop puts boot into councils as rates table reveals biggest hikes

OPINION: It's been the week for bashing local government – although not without cause.

17 Jul 12:42 AM
'It’s inevitable': David Letele teases move into politics
Politics

'It’s inevitable': David Letele teases move into politics

16 Jul 10:30 PM
Bill banning pay gag orders for workers likely to pass into law
Politics

Bill banning pay gag orders for workers likely to pass into law

16 Jul 08:04 PM


Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

06 Jul 09:47 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP