CONFIDENTIAL BRIEFING DOCUMENT FROM: Hemi Te Hipkins Senior Cultural Policy Analyst Cultural Policy Section Ministry of Internal Affairs Wellington

TO: Flying Officer Wales "Somewhere in Australia".


Just a brief note, Sir, giving you the debrief you requested vis-a-vis life in Outer Roa, land of the long white fog. More on that shortly, but first of all, a big "Yo, dude" from all of us here.

The Cultural Policy Section is still buzzing with excitement. Gosh, you did well, Sir. We loved hosting you. Jasmine (the lady from the Cougar Party) is hoping you'll come back for the Sevens. After seeing you cuddle that Kiwi in Karori, she's told our kaumatuas she wants to come back as a flightless bird in her next life.

Speaking of flightless birds, you did a great job opening the Supreme's Court. (We're still humming, "Where Did Our Judge Go?")

You're right about the facade, too. If those tacky bits on the front really are "symbolic" pohutukawa branches then the sooner someone opens a "symbolic" timber mill next door, the better.

Dame Sian has asked me to pass on her regrets about that unfortunate incident in the gent's loos. Honestly, Sir, they really aren't called The Privy Council. Justice XX just thought you'd enjoy the jape. CPS (Cultural Policy Section) has reminded the judges that they're the ones working in a nut-shaped court and they wouldn't like it if toffs in London started calling their place the Nut Bar.

There will, of course, be a full investigation, Sir, as soon as the Judicial Review Commissioner's finished examining the conduct of the Supreme Court Judge who may have been "unconsciously biased" whilst hearing a case.

Such things are sent to try us. Not you, Sir, good heavens, no, the last person to attempt that sort of malarkey was Oliver Cromwell. And look what happened to him!

Apropos of which, you asked about the strength of republican sentiment in Outer Roa. Having abolished the Privy Council and opted for MMP, you thought we might be fizzing at the bung to go for the trifecta and appoint a downunder Putin.

Especially since one of our MP chappies, Keith Locke, "kept waving a placard telling one to sod off because he wanted a republic".

Pay him no heed, Sir. Keith was born miserable, full stop. There's a basic rule in politics here. Whatever Keith Locke wants, the rest of us don't. And whatever he doesn't want, the rest of us do. Simple as that.

Ignore the gloomy republicans, Sir. Most of us are happy to maintain 1000 years of tradition (or whakapapa as we usually call it here), especially since we basically get the lot on the cheap.

Kiwis love a bargain, Sir, and what we've got is a bit like belonging to a library rather than buying the book. We get a Governor General, a couple of posh houses, nice visits (like yours), the odd Speech from the Throne, your Gran's message at Christmas, and it all costs us about the same as the French pay for Mrs Sarkozy's posh frocks - and a lot less than the Yanks cough up to run Obama's chopper!

CPS believes we should have a binding referendum - on one condition. Those who vote for a republic, pay for it as well. But the rest of us don't have to. Which should mean Keith Locke and three of his melancholy mates will end up funding the whole fiasco.

Be assured, Sir, Kiwis like a no-frills, compassionate bloke like yourself. We were thrilled, before Christmas, to read of your great adventure, sleeping rough, out in sub-zero temperatures, identifying with the poor and needy, enduring driving rain, howling winds and deranged strangers accosting you. We have the same thing here, except we call it camping.

So there's a bond between us no disgruntled grizzler can sunder. We admire pluck in Outer Roa, Sir. We like a can-do chap. And we like ingenuity too - which you surely need to be a S & R pilot. We've got some pretty darned clever geezers in this neck of the woods, Will.

Most of us wouldn't know an algorithm if it bit us on the bum but everyone knows about those Weta wonders who did all the mind-blowing, jaw-dropping special effects for Avatar.

Shame we still can't land a plane in the fog at Wellington airport - 55 years after one of your Trident airliners made an automated landing in zero visibility at Heathrow - but that's bureaucracy for you, old son.

At least the weather didn't stop Air Force One or, as it's better known, Air Force Only One.

The rest are being sold on Trade Me by some shonky gunrunning shelf company - maybe they'll have landing beacons next. Well, Sir, that's about it from windy Wellington (aka "Where the fog's at"). We note you were greeted in Australia with "a traditional Aboriginal smoking ceremony". We have "traditional smoking ceremonies" here too, but only on the footpath. You should join us next time you're over - once the barbecue's over, of course.

LOL - Hemi.

P.S. They tell us you cooked Pita Sharples' steak at Premier House - shame we can't do the same for Hone's goose!