Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Trevor Mallard

I am the Speaker of the House of Representatives! I stand for dignity and decorum! Photo / Mark Mitchell

MONDAY

The birds were singing in the trees and all was well with the world until I arrived at a dental appointment this morning and had just walked into the lobby when I saw National's Chris Bishop waiting in front of the elevator.

I hate that man. I loathe the ground he walks on and that would certainly include the floor of an elevator, so I turned and took the stairs.

Unfortunately it was a 31-storey building and the dentist was on the top floor. I staggered into the waiting room out of breath, could barely stand up, and was drenched in sweat.

"Your appointment was 25 minutes ago," said the receptionist. "He's seeing another patient. You'll have to book another time. Friday morning?"

I roared, "Don't you know who I am? I am the Speaker of the House of the Representatives! I stand for dignity and decorum! I shall not be cast aside like this!"

She said, "Can you put your shirt back on, please?"

TUESDAY

I arrived at Parliament determined to address the petty concerns over my accusations against a man that has left his career in tatters although he got what was coming to him because I heard things, I heard all sorts of things, people talk in Parliament, there's a thin line between baseless gossip and actual fact and, even if I had spoken out of turn and cost the taxpayer $340,000 (and counting) to mount a defence against the defamation case, then so be it, nothing untoward about that, it's within the rules and the rules are everything in this job, I know how Parliament works, I know better than just about anyone, I've been here 37 years, I know my way around, I've sat through more select committees than Chris Bishop has had hot dinners, I'll eat Chris Bishop for breakfast, I wish I hadn't had toast for breakfast, it's aggravated my toothache and it HURTS LIKE HELL.

WEDNESDAY

Well that went badly.

THURSDAY

I arrived at Parliament this morning and gave a cheerful wave to Jacinda. Bless that woman! I would go to the ends of the Earth for her.

She didn't wave back.

I walked over and said, "Morning! Anything I can do? Carry your bag? Babysitting? Act with total impartiality in the House while at the same time declaring an open hostility towards National, especially that louse, that vermin, that ratfink Bishop?"

She kept walking. As I watched her walk away, it was as though she was trying to get as far away as possible from me, and was headed for the ends of the Earth.

FRIDAY

The birds were quiet and dark clouds loomed overhead when I arrived at my dental appointment. My toothache had flared up again and I could barely see through tears of pain. But I got there on time, and the nurse gave me a shot of novocaine.

I sat back and thought about my long and distinguished career in Parliament. After I made my maiden speech in 1984, someone from National stood up and said, "That was the most outrageous abuse of the conventions of the House." What nonsense! I have always performed with integrity and honour! Perhaps I got a little bit carried away in the House on Tuesday night but it's not as though a few slightly bad-tempered minutes will obscure my long years of public service, and leave my career in tatters!

The dentist walked in. He was holding a long, sharp, stainless steel probe. I looked up at his face. Perhaps it was the effects of the drug but he looked exactly like Chris Bishop.

"This won't hurt a bit," he said, and laughed out loud.