Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Jacinda Ardern

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert started on a sombre note after news of the tragic shooting at a school in Texas broke. Video / CBS / Supplied

OPINION

MONDAY

"Oh bother," I cursed, realising that I needed to go the supermarket for a tube of toothpaste for my trip to America.

But one thing I find about shopping is that it brings New Zealanders together. We roll up our sleeves, and we go hard in the aisles. It's a lovely sight and it always affirms my belief in the goodness of ordinary Kiwis.

"Hello there!" I beamed in the toiletry aisles to an ordinary Kiwi inspecting the price of a box of Pam's two-ply facial tissues.

"Yeah, whatever," she said. Oh well! We all have our grumpy moments. I remember getting into a bit of a strop about something once, I can't remember what it was but for a few seconds there I wasn't exactly Santa's little helper!

I wandered the aisles looking for a friendly face but everyone seemed wrapped up in inspecting the price of meat, poultry, fish, tomatoes, broccoli, iceberg lettuce and cheese. One or two ordinary Kiwis looked up to say hello. That was nice.

I remembered to buy Cadbury's chocolate for Stephen Colbert, and went back home to finish packing. An essential item was, of course, my golden halo. The Americans will love it. I wore it every day during the last two elections, and how it glowed! People came from miles around just to stare at its dazzling illuminations and rejoice at the wonder and glory of divinity.

I found it in a drawer. It was covered in dust and had gone kind of brown.

"Oh blast," I cursed.

TUESDAY

The golden halo seemed to glow anew when I wore it as a guest on the Stephen Colbert talk show! He said he could see his reflection in it.

I said, "And what do you see?"

He said, "A loyal subject, Your Grace."

I said, "Good. Yes, that's very good."

He asked whether I had bought him a treat from New Zealand. I brought out the Cadbury's, and I had him eating out of my hand.

WEDNESDAY

The golden halo shone like the sun when I wore it to give a speech at Harvard! Even though I wore it under the gown and cap that they gave me, which made me look like someone from Game of Thrones, it emanated rays of decency and kindness and some kind of indefinable beatific and seraphic ecstasy closely resembling God, or at least an idol.

Jacinda Ardern delivers the keynote address at Harvard. Photo / AP

Afterwards the graduates crowded around me to take selfies. They took forever!

"We have to go," said one of the DPS guys.

"No," I said.

THURSDAY

Word came through that President Joe Biden has made an appointment! It's just as well I saved a bar of Cadbury's chocolate.

FRIDAY

The trip has been going so well! It's nice to get away sometimes and see how the world sees you.

I asked one of the aides, "And what news from home?"

It's reported that the husband and family members of Labour Minister Nanaia Mahuta were awarded contracts worth $90,000 by the Ministry for the Environment in a period when Mahuta was the department's Associate Minister. The Professional Firefighters Union says low wages and "crisis level" staffing ratios are behind planned strike action. It's revealed the Government is spending more than $1 million a year to keep a handful of the country's most dangerous offenders in a compound within the grounds of Christchurch Men's Prison. Police continue to try to deal with a sharp escalation of shootings across Auckland.

"Oh," I said, "f***."