NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Jacinda Ardern

Steve Braunias
By Steve Braunias
Senior Writer·NZ Herald·
27 May, 2022 05:00 PM3 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert started on a sombre note after news of the tragic shooting at a school in Texas broke. Video / CBS / Supplied
Steve Braunias
Opinion by Steve Braunias
Steve Braunias writes for the Listener and Newsroom.
Learn more

OPINION

MONDAY

"Oh bother," I cursed, realising that I needed to go the supermarket for a tube of toothpaste for my trip to America.

But one thing I find about shopping is that it brings New Zealanders together. We roll up our sleeves, and we go hard in the aisles. It's a lovely sight and it always affirms my belief in the goodness of ordinary Kiwis.

"Hello there!" I beamed in the toiletry aisles to an ordinary Kiwi inspecting the price of a box of Pam's two-ply facial tissues.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"Yeah, whatever," she said. Oh well! We all have our grumpy moments. I remember getting into a bit of a strop about something once, I can't remember what it was but for a few seconds there I wasn't exactly Santa's little helper!

I wandered the aisles looking for a friendly face but everyone seemed wrapped up in inspecting the price of meat, poultry, fish, tomatoes, broccoli, iceberg lettuce and cheese. One or two ordinary Kiwis looked up to say hello. That was nice.

I remembered to buy Cadbury's chocolate for Stephen Colbert, and went back home to finish packing. An essential item was, of course, my golden halo. The Americans will love it. I wore it every day during the last two elections, and how it glowed! People came from miles around just to stare at its dazzling illuminations and rejoice at the wonder and glory of divinity.

I found it in a drawer. It was covered in dust and had gone kind of brown.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"Oh blast," I cursed.

TUESDAY

The golden halo seemed to glow anew when I wore it as a guest on the Stephen Colbert talk show! He said he could see his reflection in it.

I said, "And what do you see?"

He said, "A loyal subject, Your Grace."

I said, "Good. Yes, that's very good."

He asked whether I had bought him a treat from New Zealand. I brought out the Cadbury's, and I had him eating out of my hand.

WEDNESDAY

The golden halo shone like the sun when I wore it to give a speech at Harvard! Even though I wore it under the gown and cap that they gave me, which made me look like someone from Game of Thrones, it emanated rays of decency and kindness and some kind of indefinable beatific and seraphic ecstasy closely resembling God, or at least an idol.

Jacinda Ardern delivers the keynote address at Harvard. Photo / AP
Jacinda Ardern delivers the keynote address at Harvard. Photo / AP

Afterwards the graduates crowded around me to take selfies. They took forever!

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"We have to go," said one of the DPS guys.

"No," I said.

THURSDAY

Word came through that President Joe Biden has made an appointment! It's just as well I saved a bar of Cadbury's chocolate.

FRIDAY

The trip has been going so well! It's nice to get away sometimes and see how the world sees you.

I asked one of the aides, "And what news from home?"

It's reported that the husband and family members of Labour Minister Nanaia Mahuta were awarded contracts worth $90,000 by the Ministry for the Environment in a period when Mahuta was the department's Associate Minister. The Professional Firefighters Union says low wages and "crisis level" staffing ratios are behind planned strike action. It's revealed the Government is spending more than $1 million a year to keep a handful of the country's most dangerous offenders in a compound within the grounds of Christchurch Men's Prison. Police continue to try to deal with a sharp escalation of shootings across Auckland.

"Oh," I said, "f***."

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Latest from New Zealand

New Zealand

Heavy rain warnings extended as front sits over central North Island

03 Jul 09:22 AM
New Zealand

Fatal crash charge: 20-year-old to face court over Southland tragedy

03 Jul 08:09 AM
New Zealand

'Needs to be killed': Gang president allegedly ordered fatal attack on fellow member

03 Jul 08:00 AM

There’s more to Hawai‘i than beaches and buffets – here’s how to see it differently

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from New Zealand

Heavy rain warnings extended as front sits over central North Island

Heavy rain warnings extended as front sits over central North Island

03 Jul 09:22 AM

Rain started falling at the top of the country before dawn.

Fatal crash charge: 20-year-old to face court over Southland tragedy

Fatal crash charge: 20-year-old to face court over Southland tragedy

03 Jul 08:09 AM
'Needs to be killed': Gang president allegedly ordered fatal attack on fellow member

'Needs to be killed': Gang president allegedly ordered fatal attack on fellow member

03 Jul 08:00 AM
How student loan penalties are keeping Kiwis from returning home

How student loan penalties are keeping Kiwis from returning home

03 Jul 07:49 AM
From early mornings to easy living
sponsored

From early mornings to easy living

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP