Not many readers will be aware that besides running a cartoon empire, I'm also a bit of a mystic on the side.
Now and again, I'm called on by unseen forces to pontificate on matters of concern to the general public.
With John Key's determination to rebrand the nation's identity with some sort of alternative bunting, it was inevitable that I would be asked to help the nonplussed clarify where this exercise in creative symbolism is heading.
Amusingly, the selection process to date closely follows the same format as a beauty contest, with 40 hopefuls who will be whittled down to four.
The question is, who will finally scoop the crown?
Of course, being a know-all mystic, I've already picked the Government's preference.
I believe it's one of the more boring designs, featuring a predominantly deep blue background, complete with the customary four stars plus a silver fern with a black border on one side of the fern, presumably offered as a token nod towards our retarded preoccupation with rugby. The blue is, of course, the brand colour of the National Party, which misguidedly believes it will remain in power forever and thus deserve recognition on the national flag.
The retention of the crux is also unsurprising. We presumably still cling to the cross for sentimental reasons, rather than as a navigational aid.
Oddly, to the Kalapalo people of South America, the Southern Cross is viewed as angry bees leaving a beehive. So, what flags will not make the final cut?
Well, anything that suggests the brand colours of other political parties, such as red or green, will undoubtedly be ditched.
Flags that are predominantly black will also be discreetly dropped, thanks to Middle Eastern belligerents. As already suggested, it simply wouldn't be prudent to display a black flag with white or silver symbols, particularly in those arid zones where armed US drones patrol the skies.
As a sad conclusion to flag-related matters, I recently had afternoon tea with a group of retired businessmen, all reeking of xenophobia. They pessimistically suggested we should keep the existing ensign for a few more years - until it's time to drop the cornerstone Union Jack and we're obliged to replace it with the Chinese national flag.
Such cynicism about our nation's future made even this old mystic shudder.