By REBECCA WALSH
One in ten New Zealanders cannot get by without a drink. Caught up in their addiction are numerous friends and relatives who suffer lies, changing moods, unpredictable behaviour and sometimes violent outbursts.
How does a family cope with an alcoholic, and what can you do if you are affected by the drinking of someone close to you?
For many, the hardest thing is coping with the changing moods.
"They will hear the car coming up the drive and wonder what mood the person will be in ... they will feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time," says Jenny, who works for Al-Anon, a support group for family and friends of alcoholics.
Families are left feeling angry and frustrated, particularly if the alcoholic is irresponsible; for example, wasting money and not getting to work because of a hangover. Trust can be a major issue because many alcoholics will promise the world and fail to deliver.
Al-Anon says families need to remember that they didn't cause the alcoholism, and likewise, they cannot control it or cure it. Despite that, many end up blaming themselves or being blamed by the alcoholic for his or her behaviour.
At the same time, alcoholics and their families will often deny there is a problem or fail to recognise it.
Al-Anon refers to alcoholism as the "family disease" because its impact is so wide-reaching. It cuts across all classes and ethnic groups.
Jenny says it is common for families to isolate themselves and stop inviting friends over because the alcoholic is unpredictable and his or her behaviour potentially embarrassing.
Children become overachievers to compensate for chaos at home. Others resort to bad behaviour.
Partners of alcoholics often end up wrapping their lives around the drinker, almost becoming dependent on their being ill. Some blame their own problems on their partner's drinking.
Jenny says it's important for families to realise that alcoholism is a disease and, like cancer or diabetes, needs treatment.
Victims need to realise the only people they can change are themselves and the way they respond to the alcoholic's behaviour.
Al-Anon and treatment centres such as the Hanmer Clinic help families learn to "detach with love". The idea is that the alcoholic will then be forced to confront his or her addiction. That might mean a partner will refuse to tell an employer that the alcoholic is sick when he or she is hung over.
At the Auckland-based Hanmer Clinic, families learn about the process of addiction, how to respond to the behaviour of the addict and how to remain detached.
"By being detached we don't mean abandon them," says director Tom Drummond.
"You can still love them but don't get enmeshed in the problem."
Detaching is usually at an emotional level but it may involve physically moving away from the addict.
Dr Helen Warren of the department of applied behavioural science at Auckland University says it is important that families can seek help, even if the addict is not facing up to the problem.
"It gives power to the families ... and allows them to build their own strength and capacity to get on living with, and coping with, the alcoholic or get up and go."
If a family member seeks help it can disrupt the balance in the home, making it more difficult for the alcoholic to pretend there is no problem.
Are you worried about someone you love?
Thousands of New Zealanders are affected by the excessive drinking of a friend or family member. Al-Anon has developed 20 questions to help people decide whether they need the organisation's support.
These are some of them:
* Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
* Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
* Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
* Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
* Do you think if the drinker stopped drinking your other problems would be solved?
Al-anon/Alateen
The Alcohol Advisory Council of New Zealand
Limited options to cope with powerful addiction
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