The ground of global politics is trembling and the bloody young people are to blame, leaping up and down, smashing the establishment, the orthodoxies, the avocados.

As everyone is saying, the estimated youth vote in the UK election leapt from 43 per cent to 72 per cent among people aged 18 to 24. That's nonsense, in fact, which became circulated into common wisdom after being tweeted speculatively by what I assume to be some feckless millennial.

Actually it was, accordingly to reputable estimates, more like 59 per cent. But that's still pretty amazing. That's still a youthquake, and it's at the heart of what saw Jeremy Corbyn win for Labour the most triumphant defeat in recent memory over the disgraced and enfeebled victors, the Conservatives.

Today, on this auspicious date precisely one hundred days until the day after the New Zealand election, the question you're asking is: what will the political parties here do in an attempt to joy-ride the youthquake?


As luck would have it, we have exclusive access to the draft leader speeches for youth audiences. Excerpts follow.

Bill English, leader of the National Party
Think of New Zealand like it's a pie. Everyone loves pies, and I love New Zealand. Think of the economy as the pastry. You want it to be delicious, yes you do, but it's also got to be strong, it's got to be stable.

If you neglect the pastry, then you're going to end up with mince and cheese tumbling down your front, aren't you?

Bits of New Zealand dripping off your bits, gravy cascading through your folds like rivers. Think of the Labour and Green parties in a boat down that filthy river.

Can't make a decent pastry in a boat while you're rowing in different directions. Pretty sure you see what I'm getting at here.
(Warbly 90s ambient futuristic music like from that What's Next TV show begins to play over PA.)

Think of it like this: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow on the pie. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.
I'm talking about opportunities, about strength. Stability. Pies. And safety. Because that's important.

The risk of a youthquake is low, but it is serious. That's why we've increased the funding of GNS and their early-warning monitoring system. But there's only so much they can do.

Personal responsibility, after all, is an important part of the great New Zealand pie. If you feel a youthquake, take action: drop, cover and hold. Stay indoors, ideally until September 24.


Andrew Little, leader of the Labour Party

What do we want? Free education. When do we want it? In the third term of a Labour government led by Andrew Little and Jacinda Ardern.

What do we want? Affordable homes for first time buyers. When do we want it? After we've turned down the tap and taken a breather if you know what I mean.

In summary: Labour stands for the many and not for the few, we stand for free education for all, for the National Health Service, for renationalising the railways, for working people, and for the end of austerity politics in Tory Britain.

Metiria Turei and James Shaw, co-leaders of the Green Party
MT: The Green Party is the face of the next generation. Take for example our ninth ranked candidate, Chloe Swarbrick. Her age is completely irrelevant, and she is 22.

For a fairer, cleaner, smarter Aotearoa we need to look to the future, embrace change, tear up the rulebook, overthrow the neoliberal hegemony.
JS: And guarantee fiscal responsibility.
MT: Not now, James.

Winston Peters, leader of the NZ First Party

You want young, do you? I'll give you young. Winston Peters pans every generation. Winston Peters is beyond time, beyond space.

With the greatest respect, he is demonstrably both the youngest and the oldest New Zealander. The lowest. The very highest. Because the moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.

David Semour, leader of the ACT Party

Hi! I'm David, and I'm a millennial. The only millennial leader you've heard of. It's David. Da-vid. David Seymour. ACT Party. We stand for choice, and I chose the skux life, Epsom.

I'm a millennial, and I understand markets, and New Zealand is part of the world's most dynamic economic region. Which makes me a Youth in Asia, bringing me neatly to another issue that means a lot to me. (Pause for laughter, applause).

We've got stars directing our fate, and we're praying it's not too late: MilleniAct.

Marama Fox, co-leader of the Maori Party
Foxy, Super Fox, Foxy, Super Fox, Foxy, Super Fox, Super Foxy Party. (Smashes up ukulele, bites head off a bat.)

Gareth Morgan, leader of the Opportunities Party
Gareth Morgan, you got that bloody right. Shut up and listen. I'm Gareth Macron. I'm Gareth Corbyn. I am just like those guys and nothing like them.

I am a man of great wealth and a total outsider, just like Donald Trump, and I'm nothing bloody like him, you got that, because if you don't you're a bloody idiot. I can't stand stunts and cheap tricks, got no time for that bullshit, as I told my audience when I exploded out of a giant lamington to announce TOP's education policy.

I am inhaling evidence based policy and breathing out a breakthrough cannabis policy. I'm smoking the establishment. Miaow! (Leave several minutes for applause then roar into the sunset on a motorcycle with Lord Buckethead.)

Peter Dunne, leader of the United Future Party
Gangnam Style!

Whoever the leader of the Conservative Party is now
He's gone, he's finished. I'm telling you he's gone. Look, how about if we make it illegal for him to sue anyone else? What if we make him illegal?