Within the family: Surviving the teenagers

Parents spend much time observing their offspring to see if they are doing a good enough job holding their breath and hoping. When children begin to be sullen, uncommunicative, rebellious, seductive - all those things parents have trouble with - we immediately look for advice about to how to change that behaviour, as if the only changes going on are in children.

We are less likely to look at how we are living our lives. But the complicating factor these days is that we tend to be going through major developments ourselves.

Some of the things happening to parents are:

We are reassessing our own relationships. We may have been in the same one for a long time, and are wondering how to make it fresh. We may be in a new relationship, and are deeply absorbed in our own excitement and turmoil.

We are focusing on working hard and earning well. Teenage children are expensive, and we have pressure on us to look after our retirement, which seems to be looming before we've had time to enjoy being grown up.

Many of us hold senior positions in demanding jobs. There is no room for extra demands from family.

We are starting to become more attentive to our own parents, who previously have taken care of themselves, but who are now developing extra needs.

We are feeling as though we have worked hard for long enough, and are dreaming of changing career, travelling, having time to ourselves.

It's no wonder the slightest confusing changes in our teenagers leave us feeling our life is in tatters.

Apart from maintaining the supportive and monitoring parenting role I have been describing over past weeks, it is also important to protect the adult relationship.

Obviously you must not focus so much on the adult bonds that the children are neglected. Nevertheless, there are some attentive, nourishing things you can do for your primary relationship.

Talk to each other about your adolescent experiences. How do they influence your attitudes to your children's behaviour?

Support each other in reinforcing agreements over parenting. Remember its all right to disagree - disagreements can be negotiated. It is not all right to undermine.

Encourage each other gently. Remind each other that you are not going to be perfect. If someone overreacted, let them off the hook. Do not blame and accuse.

Take time together without the kids. Make it light-hearted, so that there's a good chance you'll enjoy it. Taking time out and focusing on all the things that are going wrong will lead you to avoid being together.

Talk to other parents about how you are finding this stage in your own and your children's lives.

Do not expect your relationship to be romantic at this time. You are a team, with a set of demanding tasks.

Goodwill is the important thing now. Maintain it, and the romance may return later. Aim for romance now, and goodwill will go.