Within the family: Goodwill is a two-way street

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

It's the little things that count.

Relationships are not shrink-wrapped and preserved at the point where they are humming. They need constant attention.

We all know those moments when we think, "if only it could all just stay like this. It's perfect." And then we sigh, because we know it cannot.

We cannot keep any relationship still, whether it is with a partner, or a child or a friend. Relationships are like plants. To grow healthily, a plant needs watering and feeding. If it gets neither, it may die, or it may just grow in a spindly way with yellow leaves, too much stalk or flowers that drop before they form properly. Every gardener knows a lush garden is the result of constant attention and activity.

Relationships are no different. Children understand this intuitively. Just when you have had enough of their demands, they come and snuggle up to you, smile beguilingly or offer you a little gift (my daughter used to run me a bath if I looked too grumpy) and you feel restored.

Adult relationships also need constant nurturing and active caring. Some of us are good at doing this when a relationship is new but as familiarity grows, we forget. One study showed that relationships between couples lasted where there were five positive statements to every one negative. This formula proved a reasonably accurate predictor of which relationships would last.

You could think of this as storing up credit, just as squirrels store acorns. It is easier than you may think. It requires doing simple little things which give another person the message you matter, I notice you, I appreciate you.

More than just about anything else in the world, people want attention. Simple ways to do this are: saying hello, asking how the day was, making a cup of tea, noticing they are tired (or look good), telling them you like them, touching them in passing (not in a demanding way), making eye contact and smiling.

Saying hello may seem obvious, but it is easily overlooked. I have heard of a woman begging her husband to call out hello when he got home from work, before he turned on the television.

Not greeting your partner suggests he or she does not exist or does not matter. It is a powerful form of punishment. It is therefore just as powerful in the form of positive attention.

Of course it needs to go both ways. If you are the only one doing the little considerate things, it works against the fostering of goodwill, because you resent it and your partner becomes used to your efforts and so leaves you feeling unnoticed.

These small acts of noticing, truly seeing and responding to others, are not a guarantee of a satisfying relationship, but they do prevent the kind of creeping distance which trips people up when they think everything is okay.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent writes fortnightly about family relationships.