Within the family: Gender makes a difference in jealousy plays

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

Once jealousy is aroused, we all have choices about what we do next. A study of gender differences in jealousy found that men and women have different responses when they feel jealous.

The purpose of describing the differences is not to explain ourselves away, but to remind us that we can choose to act differently from our conditioning in the interests of quality relationships.

The study shows heterosexual males are more likely to feel jealous if they believe the female is having sex elsewhere, whereas female jealousy will be roused if they think the male is having a better quality of relationship elsewhere.

Males respond with anger, at themselves as much as at their partner, whereas females respond with guilt. (Gay men reported less jealousy and less anger than heterosexual men.)

Males try to resolve their discomfort through sex with their partner, and report finding jealousy arousing. Females try to address the causes of the problem, and seek to resolve it through words, whereas males are more likely to look for alternative rewards.

Once a cause for jealousy has been substantiated, women are more likely to try to get even, by creating cause for jealousy themselves. Men are more likely to begin keeping things from their partner to avoid making the jealousy worse. Among men and women, nine strategies have been identified for coping with the threatening event.

* Making oneself more attractive to the partner than the rival.

* Interfering with the rival relationship to reduce the partner's enjoyment of it.

* Demanding a greater show of commitment through marriage or coercion or surveillance.

* Putting down both the partner and the rival, and provoking rejection.

* Avoiding reference to the incident. Pretending not to be affected and altering focus.

* Developing alternative ways of experiencing self-esteem, perhaps in preparation for living without the partner.

* Changing self by learning to be less jealous, and changing one's own expectations of the partner.

* Seeking support in order to diminish the pain of feeling wronged.

* Renegotiating the relationship, aiming for personal and relationship growth.

All these strategies have potential to be helpful, but need to be managed carefully in order not to be harmful. For instance, interfering with the rival relationship can lead to stalking and harassment.

It all depends how much commitment you both have to improving your relationship. Those strategies which work best attempt to find out if the relationship is recoverable, and if so to work on it without succumbing to destructive impulses in the process. If the relationship appears unrecoverable (because the rival is too attractive or the jealousy too strong), strategies which move towards acceptance of loss and rebuilding one's own self-esteem are most helpful.

Note that blame, accusation and revenge do not feature. In responding to any grievance, we always need to act in ways which overcome bitterness and resentment, rather than reinforcing it.

* Jealousy, Sexual Orientation & Gender, Brian Altman, 1993, Univ. of Rochester, Psych Honours Thesis.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.