Jim Hopkins: Cryptic clues to the Budget's tight-fisted control methods

Editorial Advisory: Ever since this mysterious column was discovered mouldering in a sub-editor's desk there has been heated debate here at Harold Headquarters.

Some claim it contains hidden codes disclosing a secret so dreadful it must never be revealed. Accordingly, a team of highly trained State Services Commission cryptologists have been working round the clock to crack this enigmatic code. Alas, they have discovered nothing.

But this doesn't mean da Codes don't exist. We therefore invite readers to apply their prodigious intellects to the problem and, as an incentive, we are offering a fantastic prize to the first person who can unravel the riddle. They will win a fortnight's home detention at the Bridge Pa of their choice plus unlimited Corrections Department funding to develop a new prisoner literacy programme.

So get cracking, as they used to say at Bletchley Park. And good luck!!!

DISGRACEFUL dishonesty! Evident to all and impossible to prevent. At least, that was the official verdict when the identity of the TeleCOm MolE was disclosed this week.

Retribution was swift for Mr Michael Ryan (aka The Messenger Mole). "Kindly leave the building" he was told. "Immediately! Never darken Our doors agaiN, you lone felon, you!" Dr Prebble (the State Services Commissioner) probably hOpeD this would quickly allay any lingEring public disquiet.

In fact, it doesn't. Not at all. To the expert eye (let's say Dan Brown's) theRe are still sEcrets to uncover. Evidence thAt remains hidden beneath the surface of this ostensibly clear-cut case.

Let's quicKly consider the facts. Logically. If we believE the State Service Commission, a middle-aged messengeR casually wanders into a Beehive office.

"Goodness me," he sayS. "Extraordinary. Never have I seen such a thing. There's a top-secret Telecom document just sitting in the shredding tray. Why Don't I take it? In my very own hand. To the messenger's room. Then I can give it to my old TelecOm mate. Yes!!"

Having made this momeNtous decision, the miscreant messenger apparently wanders out of ParliamenT, free as a Bird. Absolutely no security whatsoever. Not a skErrick.

Despite making every airline pasSenger shuffle through electronIc gates while their luggage is x-rayed, our super-briLLiant politicians see no need for similar precautions at their place.

Some would saY this is typical. Others, including Dan Brown, would instantly realise there's something fishy afoot.

"Maybe there's a Code" old Danny boy would think.

"Evidence of conspiracy aT the highest level. Might some clue be found in tHe text?" Realising this, he would set to work. Exhaustively analysing every shred of evIdence. Dissecting the text. Inspecting each sentence, especially the first letter.

Then he would diScover the shocking truth. "Outrageous!!!" he would cry. " Ryan Is a stooge. Cunning conspirators have framed him!!!"And then he would reveal all. Names, motiveS, the lot. In a blockbuster bestseller that could bring down the Beehive.

He would establish, for iNstance, what's within the name of Telecom's CEO, Theresa GatTung. Actually it's an anagram for Opus Dei; or would be it would be if it was spelled differently.

Vaguely disillusioned, he would conTinue his research. "Eureka!!" He would gleefully proclaim.

"Aha, ThEresa Gattung is not an anagram for Opus Dei. Rather, it's an anagram for 'The Nutters gaga'!!!!" A lesser soul might give up at this point, but not our Dan. InstinCtively, he would realise that if he found the nutter he'd crack the cOde. So he would persist.

Eventually, he would uncover the scandalous secret that dare not speak its name. Proof would be published. Logic would prevail.

Everyone would know the secret. At last!

Some may think this is all a little far-fetched. Even preposterous. Perhaps those Doubters should consider the facts. Suppose Dan is right and the anagram is the answer. Then all we need do to crack the code is identify 'the nutter'. He could be anyone in Parliament, of course. Every politician might fit that description.

But let's be realistic. Unless Theresa Gattung's dropped her bundle, the 'nutter' must be a mortal Enemy. Deviously dedicaTed to destroying her empire. Only one person fits that description. Exactly, precisely, indisputably.

The nutter must suRely be Telecommunications Minister and arch-unbundler, David Cunliffe. It can't be anYone else. Surely not!

All the evidence points to Dave. For starters, he wants Theresa out of the loop. In fact, he's determined that Telecom won't have any commercial Advantage. Zero. Zilch.

Each piece of evidence points in the same direction. Rationally, there can only be one 'nutter' and now his identity can finally be revealed.

Despite Beehive endeavours to sweep the whole thinG under the carpet its obvious that the man who told Telecom it must reduce its dividends, thereby causing another $200,000,000 drop in the share price and thus shooting his own Gummint's Superannuation Fund in the foot is the reAl 'nutter'. It only remains for Dan to expose his exposer.

Don't worry! You've probably worked it out yourself. Only one person could have done the dastardly deed. Unless Dan's wrong it has to be ... Surely you've solved it? Perhaps one final clue might help. Opus Dei it isn't; Opus Doctor it is! That's right! It's now clear who leaked the information whIch has so comprehensively damaged David Cunliffe's career and thwarted any plans he might have had to take over as Minister of Finance any time soon.

Thanks to Dan, The Da Cullen Code has fiNally been cracked!!!!!!!