Gordon McLauchlan: The flat truth about rugby

COMMENT

Graham Henry and Wayne Smith were this week accorded life membership of the New Zealand Flat Earth Society in recognition of their dogged retention of the flat backline theory, despite the steady collection of scientific evidence against it.

"We are honoured," said Henry at a press conference. "Wayne and I have known for years that the Earth is flat, that the curving of the flat horizon on a clear day is an illusion created by the curve of the eyeball.

"Likewise, the flat backline is a major truth the public chooses to ignore. The fact that the All Black backs are flattened by offensive tackles every time they get the ball and yet can manage no offensive tackles themselves (or many tackles of any sort for that matter), and cannot kick tactically behind the opposing backs because they are too close when they get the ball is an illusion created by the pressure of the public on the players. Like all Flat-Earthers, we're not going to genuflect before the altar of fickle public opinion backed by spurious science."

Smith agreed: "The fact that a similar backline last year scored many tries while running from deep is a statistical aberration rather than a rugby one - if you look at it percentage-wise and take into account the index of incoherent sidesteps.

"In other words, it is patently obvious that sooner or later an opponent is going to miss a tackle and we will score a try.

"The problem at Ellis Park was that the boys were seriously inhibited because they knew we could not win. The team astrologer informed the team psychologist on the Thursday before the game that our fate was to lose because of the conjunction of two stars, Burger and Joubert, in the Ellis constellation.

"This was confirmed by the team's assistant oracle who read the same score against us in a sacrificed goat's entrails on the Friday. So it's fate, the public's disbelief in flat backs and our desire to foster the game internationally that have conspired against our victory."

Then Henry said: "The fact that John Mitchell got dumped following one loss after a season of brilliant wins, whereas we can get away with ragged wins and humiliating losses, was because no one in the rugby union liked him. Whereas they like our relaxed and chatty style and our positivism.

"You will note that our new captain, Tana Umaga, found a powerful positive from last week's result when he said it would be good for South African rugby. I'm sure the union will share that view, as will the ordinary Kiwi bloke in the street. He will be pleased that this past fortnight has been such a win-win situation for Australian and South African rugby. Let's stay positive.

John (Jack Russell) Banks has become a bit of a joke, the way he yaps at people in his hyperactive way rather than debates with them, and not only at people with whom he disagrees. He enjoys visiting other centres and gratuitously insulting residents for not living in Auckland. He clearly thinks this is funny, whereas I have an 8-year-old grandson with a more sophisticated sense of humour.

On the one hand you have a thoughtful man like North Shore Mayor George Wood who listens to people and, on the other, one who not only doesn't listen to anyone but talks past them, indeed shouts past them. Then he has the gall to call Wood "pathetic". I wonder if Banks' doctor has suggested Ritalin.

The only two projects he has espoused with anything like true passion are the eastern corridor, which probably won't happen, and the V8 racing on the edge of downtown, which gives you an idea of his personal visions of the fulfilled life. I find it hard to dislike Banks but while larrikins can be fun they are not good at running cities.

Whether he wins or loses the mayoralty, though, is not as critical to Auckland as who controls the council. For many terms now the power has been held by the Citizens, Ratepayers and Property Developers Party and they are turning it into Rathole City with areas designated as future slums.

What aids them is the anachronism that awards ratepayers extra voting power. Property qualifications for central government voters stopped 114 years ago when we became a true democracy. It's time the Government made local authorities democratic as well.

Have you noticed the extraordinarily prurient interest in cases of older women seducing teenagers? If that married gymnastics teacher in Melbourne had thrashed the 15-year-old, or destructively humiliated him in front of others for a long period, we would never have heard about it.

But by having a sexual relationship with him she has ensured international notoriety despite the probability that the only damage she did was distracting him from schoolwork. The Puritanism of Western society is deep-dyed.