Dialogue: Onus on us all to halt the domestic violence cycle

By MEREPEKA RAUKAWA-TAIT*

Over the past year, I have been in the headlines often. Far too often for my liking. But when I look at the range of issues, and the comments that I have contributed, it becomes all too obvious that so much starts in the home.

Home is where the heart is, but the heart has long since gone from so many homes. In taking a strong stand against the abuse of women and children, I have tried to look at the long-term implications both for our country and, as a Maori woman ever conscious of our shocking abuse rates for our children and women, what those implications are likely to be for Maori.

In both respects, we are well past crisis point. Of course, New Zealand will survive - but we will not thrive.

We are being dragged down and under by the escalating costs of domestic violence. Each New Zealander pays a high price as long as we allow violence in the home to go unchecked. The economic cost of domestic violence is about $1 billion a year. Our economy cannot sustain this.

For 30 years, Women's Refuge has been working to break the cycle of violence in homes. In the early years no one wanted to know.

Today, New Zealanders need to face the reality that family violence is still rife. It is not just a Maori or Pacific Islands problem. It is a New Zealand-wide problem, occurring in every community and in all sectors of society.

Women's Refuge alone sees, on average, about 7000 women and 10,000 children each year. Of these children, most are under 10, and mainly under four. Sadly, these numbers are just the tip of the iceberg, and the longer young children are exposed to domestic violence, the more likely the seeds of violence are being planted in their minds.

Mostly, New Zealanders associate child abuse with the most extreme forms of violence, as illustrated in the recent public cases where children were systematically and brutally beaten and sexually assaulted.

Child abuse includes many different forms of violence against children. It includes neglect, sexual violence, physical, verbal and emotional abuse, and psychological abuse. We all know these behaviours have negative and long-term effects on children, and ultimately the well-being of society.

Research also shows that child abuse is often linked with partner abuse. If a child is being abused, chances are the mother is also being abused. We cannot talk about child abuse outside of family violence.

Children growing up in homes where violence is prevalent learn that it is normal for men to behave violently towards their families and risk repeating the pattern of using violence to control others as they grow into adult life. Children may be threatened and bullied to keep secrets about violence in their family and live with feelings of shame and guilt.

My focus this year is to continue to improve the services Women's Refuge delivers and ensure that, as an organisation, we are as proactive as possible. Like Child, Youth and Family, Women's Refuge must have the necessary financial resources.

It is outrageous that two organisations that deal with large numbers of at-risk children have both had to shout loudly for more money.

But it is not just Women's Refuge and the other third-sector organisations working in this area that can make a difference. We all can.

In some ways, New Zealand is still stuck in the Victorian times when it comes to the treatment of women and children. Then, "discipline" often equalled violence. Children were "seen and not heard." Women and children were treated as chattels, with no recourse, socially or legally.

Alarmingly, these attitudes exist even in our law. Section 59 of the Crimes Act allows parents to use reasonable force against their children, reinforcing the children-as-chattels idea that any progressive society would have repealed long ago.

There are many strategies that the Government can implement to contribute to the safety and well-being of our children. I urge it to repeal section 59 and, by doing so, give a clear indication that violence towards children is never okay.

Campaigns such as alternatives to smacking should also continue, so parents can learn about different ways to discipline their children.

Cultures that believe violence towards women and children is an acceptable way of life must not be surprised when their young people commit suicide or end up in jail, because they are merely copying what they have seen around them since their earliest years.

There are many contributing factors to child abuse. Of course, colonisation, family history, poverty, alcohol and drug abuse and social conditions contribute. But these are never an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Self-esteem is another issue. We need to teach our young women that they are valuable members of our families. They do not need to settle for less than what they dream for. And we need strong leaders and role models to show them the way.

We need strong Maori women leaders to move Maori towards where they need to be. This sets a standard for young women to follow and aspire to. We need leadership that says to young women: "You are destined for the very best and you have every right to be alongside everyone else making a contribution."

We need leadership that does not wait for someone else to lighten the load or to make things easier. We need leaders and role models who show the right way by going there first.

Probably the single most important factor affecting family violence abuse is the conspiracy of silence. This is what enables it to exist.

Whanau, friends and neighbours too often collude with abusers by refusing to become involved and denying violence exists ("he's not that bad"), justifying violence ("he's had a hard life") and blaming the victim ("why doesn't she just leave?").

Timely intervention is critical. Get involved. Do not wait for another tragedy. Speak out. If only each of us would just look to ensure that our own family members are safe and well.

We tend to know who in our families has a short fuse, who can't keep their fists by their sides and their boots firmly planted on the ground. We must challenge their abusive behaviour and not allow our nieces, sisters and cousins to live in misery.

We can find out who delivers services in our own communities. If we know something is happening, we can get help immediately.

We could also ask if there is anything that we could do to support their work. Heightened awareness all round will start to make a difference.

Women's Refuge must do more to help and support women and children to live free of violence. However, this can happen only if we move from beyond crisis intervention to providing long-term education programmes and community development work.

A report that PriceWaterhouseCoopers produced last year showed clearly that results for women and children could be vastly improved if there were sufficient money to provide a more comprehensive package of services. Women's Refuge must be funded to succeed.

The alternative is already becoming obvious. We are now seeing young women coming to us who were here with their mothers many years ago.

Safe houses and crisis lines are vital. However, education programmes and early intervention are also necessary, and we will be directing our efforts in this direction to ensure a long-lasting impact on domestic violence.

All three sectors - private, public and third - affect each other's business. Each could consider helping to reduce domestic violence. I hope that all sectors start working together, sharing their expertise and resources.

* Merepeka Raukawa-Tait is chief executive of the National Collective of Independent Women's Refuges.