Brian Rudman: Trying to turn back the tide of boredom

Looks like it's time to dust off the old library card and check out the specials on DVD players.

Being able to avoid a month of obscure sports from the Commonwealth Games during the miserable winter nights was one thing. But having to cope as well with night after night of Punching Bag Bill dragging himself up off the canvas to suffer another swat from Invincible Helen is just too much to expect of anyone.

Indeed, July is starting to look so dire and sleep-inducing that come election day the authorities could well have to set off the tsunami sirens to ensure anyone is sufficiently awake to stagger off to the polls to cast a vote.

It makes one hanker for the lusty days of King Canute, when they played their politics for keeps. If only they'd had television action replay then - 1016 and all that would have made riveting viewing.

I mention the old Viking invader only because the King Canute Anti-Defamation League has been on to me about a certain reference I made last week about Canute's little bout with the tides all those years ago.

I'd compared attempts by certain local councils to stop Waikato water entering our water supply to the king's attempt to hold back the tide and said the water protesters were just as doomed to fail.

My correspondent wanted to point out that I was perpetuating a myth that Canute was a self-deluded big-head who actually believed he could command the tides to stop. This was not, he said, the case.

To be honest, I don't think I've ever wondered what motivated the king to sit in his throne on the seashore and order the sea to stop.

Now I know. It was an act of humility on the king's part. Word had reached him that his fawning courtiers were claiming he was so great he could command the tides and he wanted to teach them a lesson. So he took his court to the seaside and commanded the waves to advance no further.

When they'd all got a thorough wetting he duly pointed out to them that while the deeds of kings might appear great in the minds of men, they were nothing in the face of God's power.

It's a nice little PR fable which makes the king out to be a thoroughly nice and pious chap. Which he wasn't. Indeed, given his track record, it's little wonder his courtiers fawned. The only live courtier in that court was one who bowed and scraped.

Canute played his politics the hard and ruthless way. In 1016, the battle for control of northern England was down to him and a local lord. Earl Uhtred let it be known that Canute was number one and duly turned up with 40 retainers to make his submission. Canute slew them all. It was a lesson that any sane courtier would have noted for future reference.

One thing that was very modern about Canute was his urge, in later years, to apologise for the errors of past rulers. As part of reinventing himself as an English king, he did penance for the wrongdoings of his Viking forefathers, building churches and making many generous gifts to others.

And Helen Clark thought she was onto something new.

Talking something new, you might recall the saga of the bus stop in Jervois Rd outside the Thai restaurant which, after being smashed several times by out-of-control cars, has not been replaced.

Well, there have been developments. Last week, another branch of council turned up and planted a fine oriental plane tree instead. It's part of a project to restore the avenue of trees which once graced the street until 1949 when they had to make way for the trolley buses.

A noble enterprise to be sure, but just how long this particular tree has before it's bowled is anyone's guess.

The long-awaited greening of the summit of One Tree Hill is also about to take place. You'll recall how totara and pohutukawa seedlings are being raised in the Auckland City Council nursery and, in due course, will be planted together in a summit grove. The plan is to plant them all out and let them fight it out, with the toughest tree, or trees, remaining.

The pohutukawa have now reached their minimum planting height of 1m and are about to be let loose. The totara are taking their time and will need another year or two in the nursery.

Council officials and Ngati Whatua are now debating the most auspicious time for the formal planting.

June 30 is being talked about, which coincides with the official launch of the election battle. Perhaps the two events could be combined. They will have plenty in common - lengthy speeches, lots of politicians and a fight to the death.